AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question "In my 9th grade year of high school I developed a crush on a guy called Gary; it was one of those cases of opposites attracting. I was one of those artsy-academic types, and he was one of the high school jocks. Well, as the year progressed, our relationship became closer and complex. We worked on projects together, he dated girls, I dated guys, but ultimately there was still something there. He would tempt me by insisting that I touch his body, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed the temptation and tempted him whenever possible. The next year, he fell in with all the bad guys and gals; I with all of the overachievers, and we went our separate ways, except for one class we had together. In that class, he constantly teased me by throwing pencils and staplers at me when I wasn't paying attention. He recently reminisced on those times by saying that he did it because he enjoyed hearing my cries of, “stop it, Gary.” I moved at the end of the year. The next year we would speak, but less frequently. He eventually dropped out of school; I was very disappointed in him yet I am still supportive. During this year, we once again began talking frequently again, and I told him of my crush for him. Fast forward to today, he and I talk on the phone every night. We have an amazing friendship based on support and mutual affection. We can talk about the latest celebrity buzz from TMZ, our likes/dislikes, politics, religion, relationships, sex, etc. One day, he went so far as to ask me what I’m attracted to in a guy and what I like in bed, and voluntarily told me his penis size without my permission. Several days later, he asked me why I had never asked him more about his endowment, and he continues to insert sex into the conversation whenever possible. However, if I ask him would he ever think about taking it further, he says that he is straight. So the other day, I told him that I was wondering whether or not it was unhealthy for me to have a crush—to so deeply care about and be concerned with his well being—on my best friend who I would (seemingly) never be able to have a relationship with as a lover. I told him that I was confused. He responded by saying that he was going to be totally honest with me in saying that he doesn’t want to go further because he is scared that we will forever lose our friendship if it doesn’t work out well; I am scared of this possibility also, for other reasons. His reasons: He went on to say that has happened with too many of his girlfriends who were once his best friends and that this relationship was too important; he isn’t ready to take the risk. I understand his position. My fears: Next year I will be moving (once again) away from him and the South to California so that I may attend college at one of the nation’s most highly ranked universities. A distance of two hours and thirty minutes driving time will be expanded to a four hour plane ride and two hour time zone difference. He says that I shouldn’t worry because we already talk from midnight to early morning—both of us work around 8 hours a day and we get off between ten and eleven—so if I’m in California and he calls me at the usual time it will actually be around 9 or 10 my time. It makes sense because during the school year that is the time that I regularly go to sleep. He went on to say that we could always visit on break. So I tried to ignore the feelings in my heart and push them out of my consciousness my and continue on as purely friends, but my subconscious would not let me rest and they resurfaced in the form of a dream that same night. In the dream, he had a child by a previous relationship, and he and I had become the primary caretakers. (Although, I have infant cousins and toddler siblings and everyone says I’m good with children; I strongly dislike the possibility of taking care of them daily.) I don't know why I still care about him when it seems he'll never let it go there, although he skirts the issue a lot. I have told him this and then we had a long conversation in which he asks me if I would leave him and stop being his friend. He said he would do anything to keep me from leaving him. I told him we've been at this for four years so the answer is no; I never want to leave him. He responds by asking a rhetorical question, “You will always want something more…” I told him that—unfortunately for me—the answer is yes. I really don’t know where this goes next, and I really don’t know what questions to ask. I wonder if it is logical for my fears of living so far away to be invalidated while his of losing a best friend if we begin having an intimate relationship are not. I can’t lose this relationship, but I fear that if I do not resolve it before I return to school… I fear that if WE don’t resolve it before WE return to college our fears of losing it all will manifest as reality, even if we don’t take the next step. I love him, and I’m happy to say that it’s not a physical lust. In fact, I don’t lust after him at all. The other day we were on the phone talking and he said that he was taking a bath. I couldn’t hear so I said, “could you say that again?” He responded, “Could I take a picture… yeah… but I do not want to right now because I’m not in the best physical shape. I want to wait until August after I’ve been working out for a month. (This also confuses me; he’ll send me a nude photo and vice-versa but wants it to stay platonic. No, I have never offered him a nude photo or asked for one; I have never sent him one but I would. He is the one talking about giving me a photo.)” The fact of the matter is that I do not want a picture and I could care less about him resembling Michelangelo’s David or how big his penis is…when I think about it, I’m not sure I want sex. I just want more… I want to give him more of me and to share more with him. I think I love him. He makes me smile everyday; I just sit on the phone sometimes and listen to him while he plays “Call of Duty.” We laugh and we cry and we live and we breathe and we laugh, and thank God, I know I’m not crazy because he says the same. I think I love him. I guess my desire for a more sexual relationship comes from my want (my emotional need) to give him more of me. He cares for me in a way that no one else has ever cared for me and respected me, and I do the same towards him. He always respects me as a person, and yet, he can speak to me in the most sexual of manners at times. He even has given me a bedroom name. I’m lost. I’m only 18 years old, and unlike him, I am very careful about getting into relationships. In fact, I did not date in high school because I was never attracted to anyone both emotionally and physically. However, he has dated many girls. I do not like being attracted to someone who identifies as being straight; I know that it never usually works out. Although, he says that he does want to go there because he doesn’t want to lose a friend. What do you think?"
Answer Hello there Kevin
As you know, most people are different. We handle physical attraction diffent, we get emotionally attached on different levels with different people for different reasons. In in this difference we find life. It would have been awfully boring, not to metion pointless if we were all the same. One thing we all hope for, I think, is to find a soulmate, 'the one' as some call it, that we can grow old with, share everything, the one that makes you laugh. The one that you would spend the night in jail with because you and that person were caught skinny dipping at midnight. Sometimes, our soulmates and partners (lovers) are the same person (the easiest, usually what we wish for), but sometimes they are not, as in your case. I can honestly say that this is what happened in my life too. It's not uncommon, I should add. It's actually rare to capture the essence of a soulmate AND a lover in one person.
It sounds unfair towards a lover (I don't just mean physical lover, I also mean lifepartner or husband or whatever you would like to call this person) that you might have a stronger connection towards your soulmate, but if you think about this, it's actually easier to share EVERYthing with a best friend, rather than a partner.
If I were you, I would weigh the 'good times' and ''good memories' I have, the emotional positives, everything I have gained from my friendship with this guy, against what I would gain if we actually did go into a relationship. What would you get more? Just sex? Do you think you would be able to share even more with him that you do already? Don't you think that you pretty much have a relationship already, even if you do not 'wear his ring'? Use the distance you guys have between you, to strengthen the friendship more, rather than seeing it as a negative. Plan holidays together, and things like that. I must confess, I would never give up a good friendship for a relationship that offered the same benefits (plus sex). You mentioned that this physical aspect is not even on your mind, so it's not even an issue.
