Expert: Adriaan Pretorius - 7/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: ORIGINAL QUESTION...

"Hi,



hopefully you can help me, cause im in such a dilema







basically im inlove with this guy i met at work a while back



(3 years ago)







the first time i saw him, i thought this guy is hot.. we didnt know eachother and i thought shallowly.. based on his looks. that i need to make a friendship with this guy







so i did... and luckily we had something in common.. the moment i went up to him.. and asked his name.. and told him mine.. he responded..  "so i hear u sing" that was the friendship maker for us. the fact that we both sing..



so one day he asked me for my number, and told me to give him a call later that day







so i did...



and we literally stayed on the phone for hours it was around



4 hours and in that time he mainly told me about himself and what he's like as a person, and he also told me that when he first meets a girl "he likes" he'll talk to her on the phone for hours getting to know her.. which was ironic because it was what we was doing.







so after that we started talking more an more, started hanging out and stuff



he'd invite me round, ask me to go shopping with him and stuff was real cool.



in the beginning he gave off a lot of gay vibes, oh and did i mention he had a girlfriend.. who hated me.



he use to blow her off to talk to me, or get her off the phone when he was with me.. and she used to really react bad towards me.



and then a few guys at work would joke about me and him being together.. and he would laugh and go along



and if a dude at work would call him gay.. he'd react sharple.. "i aint gay, your gay" it was so quick.



he's very looked after, hair, clothes... has more hair and skin products than ive seen anybody have.



when we're out.. he always expects my help when he's trying on a jacket.. or asks me to smell a cologne on him.. when he sprays it on his kneck. always offers to buy me food.. when ive got my own money.



i just get that vibe. but im not sure.. because he has girlfriends and sometimes talks about girls



but ive noticed he never misses a good looking guy on the street. he'll look at them.. more than he'll look at a girl







and he points out flaws with females make  up.. and weaves and i just thought ordinary straight guys dont do that.







thing is he is hardly feminine and i dont want to stereotype but thats what scares me...  recently he has started to shape his eyebrows.. not over the top.. but they thin out at the ends.. which is slightly emmasculine to me. but im not sure.



sometimes he stares at me  and i stare back.. but i always stop because its gets uncomfortable..



i like him so much, but i have grown to value him as a friend. so i dont want to do anything to mess that up.



but i am really into him.



he is a couple years older than me aswell.. which always makes me think.. if he was gonna make a move.. he wouldve by now. as he's older. but im just not sure.



other tidbits.. he works out alot, has emmaculate hair and dress sense... and is all round just a beautiful person.



any advice u can give .. i'll be greatful.


AN PS......

just to update you a little



i havent openly said im gay.



but its one of those things where if u can't tell.. then your pretty silly.lol

im not all out feminine but many of the male friends i tend to draw in.. always seem sexually intrigued in me



like i dont have a lot of close male friends, and the ones i do get close too seem like they're problly gay aswell.



he use to call every guy i spoke to my boyfriend.. in a sarcy tone as if he was jealous.. and i told him i was going to the movies with one of my friends.. a male friend.. and he made a big deal out of it.. saying two guys shouldnt go to the movies together.. but then later on he asked me to the movies with just him.



i then called him up on it.. and said but u said two guys....



and he said it depends how close they are..

which i thought was pretty silly.. its like he was assumin i was just going on a random date or something.

i just don't get him.



the way he will sit and stare.. i'll stare back.. but it gets uncomfortable.. and i just start laughing and say "you idiot" and he just laughs too.

like we dont live in america.. but he seems to know all tthe gay areas of america which i found pretty unusual..but im not sure..

does this new info i've given help?

ANSWER: Hey again Ian

I think, on the one side you might be over-analysing things, trying to find answers in just about everything your friend does!  He probably doesn't even think about this stuff at all, and is just glad to have a good friend like you.

When he stares, and you stare back, then smile.  Don't make a joke about it, just smile back.  Tell him with your eyes what you feel inside, check his reaction!

You see, Ian, I think your friend is using the friendship as a surrogate gay relationship.  I think he does not feel comfortable being out of the closet, but with you he can be himself, so uses the friendship as a makeshift relationship to experience the true him (and you!).  If you want to make this real, someone has to make a move here, hehe, you can't just both be circling the other like this!

If you like him so much, why is it uncomfortable when he stares?  You should be feeling all warm and fuzzy inside when he looks at you!

I still think, you need to make the move then, or at least just tell him you are gay and might like him more as just a friend, and hoped he felt something similar.  I think the friendship might be strong enough.

Adriaan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey adriaan. i just wanted to fill u in one the where i am at.
so i told him, that im bi and that i like him.

i didnt say that i thought there were mutual feelings.
just incase
but he took it really well, has no problem with it.
but once again my rut is that i really like him, so do i just wait and see the treatment from here?
or assume that he's not interested as he didnt respond there and then
one thing he did say is that, well i know how he is,like he's got a girlfriend.. to me that says
"im straight, and i have a girlfriend, so you know theres no chance" but  i dont know.
like you said, he did say the friendship was too strong to break over something like that. and that he knows people can't help how they feel.
so i have made some progress , but what do u think now?
leave it at that, or could he possibly be interested but just not ready, or just faithful to his girlfriend.?

Answer
Hey Ian

His answer sounds sincere and we are ALL glad that his response was so 'normal'.  That's wat we were praying for.  Now give it a little time, first, I think.  See what happens.  He is probably still processing, and for whatever reason he is not immediately into you (he's straight, he's faith to the girl, he's not into YOU as such), he still needs to first process that you are bi.  If he doesn't respond to this new info in a weird way, you can maybe tell him how you feel, but first give him some space ok?

Congratulations, you were very brave, and it acually paid off! :-D