AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
hopefully you can help me, cause im in such a dilema
basically im inlove with this guy i met at work a while back
(3 years ago)
the first time i saw him, i thought this guy is hot.. we didnt know eachother and i thought shallowly.. based on his looks. that i need to make a friendship with this guy
so i did... and luckily we had something in common.. the moment i went up to him.. and asked his name.. and told him mine.. he responded.. "so i hear u sing" that was the friendship maker for us. the fact that we both sing..
so one day he asked me for my number, and told me to give him a call later that day
so i did...
and we literally stayed on the phone for hours it was around
4 hours and in that time he mainly told me about himself and what he's like as a person, and he also told me that when he first meets a girl "he likes" he'll talk to her on the phone for hours getting to know her.. which was ironic because it was what we was doing.
so after that we started talking more an more, started hanging out and stuff
he'd invite me round, ask me to go shopping with him and stuff was real cool.
in the beginning he gave off a lot of gay vibes, oh and did i mention he had a girlfriend.. who hated me.
he use to blow her off to talk to me, or get her off the phone when he was with me.. and she used to really react bad towards me.
and then a few guys at work would joke about me and him being together.. and he would laugh and go along
and if a dude at work would call him gay.. he'd react sharple.. "i aint gay, your gay" it was so quick.
he's very looked after, hair, clothes... has more hair and skin products than ive seen anybody have.
when we're out.. he always expects my help when he's trying on a jacket.. or asks me to smell a cologne on him.. when he sprays it on his kneck. always offers to buy me food.. when ive got my own money.
i just get that vibe. but im not sure.. because he has girlfriends and sometimes talks about girls
but ive noticed he never misses a good looking guy on the street. he'll look at them.. more than he'll look at a girl
and he points out flaws with females make up.. and weaves and i just thought ordinary straight guys dont do that.
thing is he is hardly feminine and i dont want to stereotype but thats what scares me... recently he has started to shape his eyebrows.. not over the top.. but they thin out at the ends.. which is slightly emmasculine to me. but im not sure.
sometimes he stares at me and i stare back.. but i always stop because its gets uncomfortable..
i like him so much, but i have grown to value him as a friend. so i dont want to do anything to mess that up.
but i am really into him.
he is a couple years older than me aswell.. which always makes me think.. if he was gonna make a move.. he wouldve by now. as he's older. but im just not sure.
other tidbits.. he works out alot, has emmaculate hair and dress sense... and is all round just a beautiful person.
any advice u can give .. i'll be greatful.
AN PS......
just to update you a little
i havent openly said im gay.
but its one of those things where if u can't tell.. then your pretty silly.lol
im not all out feminine but many of the male friends i tend to draw in.. always seem sexually intrigued in me
like i dont have a lot of close male friends, and the ones i do get close too seem like they're problly gay aswell.
he use to call every guy i spoke to my boyfriend.. in a sarcy tone as if he was jealous.. and i told him i was going to the movies with one of my friends.. a male friend.. and he made a big deal out of it.. saying two guys shouldnt go to the movies together.. but then later on he asked me to the movies with just him.
i then called him up on it.. and said but u said two guys....
and he said it depends how close they are..
which i thought was pretty silly.. its like he was assumin i was just going on a random date or something.
i just don't get him.
the way he will sit and stare.. i'll stare back.. but it gets uncomfortable.. and i just start laughing and say "you idiot" and he just laughs too.
like we dont live in america.. but he seems to know all tthe gay areas of america which i found pretty unusual..but im not sure..
does this new info i've given help?
Answer Hey again Ian
I think, on the one side you might be over-analysing things, trying to find answers in just about everything your friend does! He probably doesn't even think about this stuff at all, and is just glad to have a good friend like you.
When he stares, and you stare back, then smile. Don't make a joke about it, just smile back. Tell him with your eyes what you feel inside, check his reaction!
You see, Ian, I think your friend is using the friendship as a surrogate gay relationship. I think he does not feel comfortable being out of the closet, but with you he can be himself, so uses the friendship as a makeshift relationship to experience the true him (and you!). If you want to make this real, someone has to make a move here, hehe, you can't just both be circling the other like this!
If you like him so much, why is it uncomfortable when he stares? You should be feeling all warm and fuzzy inside when he looks at you!
I still think, you need to make the move then, or at least just tell him you are gay and might like him more as just a friend, and hoped he felt something similar. I think the friendship might be strong enough.
