AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
hopefully you can help me, cause im in such a dilema
basically im inlove with this guy i met at work a while back
(3 years ago)
the first time i saw him, i thought this guy is hot.. we didnt know eachother and i thought shallowly.. based on his looks. that i need to make a friendship with this guy
so i did... and luckily we had something in common.. the moment i went up to him.. and asked his name.. and told him mine.. he responded.. "so i hear u sing" that was the friendship maker for us. the fact that we both sing..
so one day he asked me for my number, and told me to give him a call later that day
so i did...
and we literally stayed on the phone for hours it was around
4 hours and in that time he mainly told me about himself and what he's like as a person, and he also told me that when he first meets a girl "he likes" he'll talk to her on the phone for hours getting to know her.. which was ironic because it was what we was doing.
so after that we started talking more an more, started hanging out and stuff
he'd invite me round, ask me to go shopping with him and stuff was real cool.
in the beginning he gave off a lot of gay vibes, oh and did i mention he had a girlfriend.. who hated me.
he use to blow her off to talk to me, or get her off the phone when he was with me.. and she used to really react bad towards me.
and then a few guys at work would joke about me and him being together.. and he would laugh and go along
and if a dude at work would call him gay.. he'd react sharple.. "i aint gay, your gay" it was so quick.
he's very looked after, hair, clothes... has more hair and skin products than ive seen anybody have.
when we're out.. he always expects my help when he's trying on a jacket.. or asks me to smell a cologne on him.. when he sprays it on his kneck. always offers to buy me food.. when ive got my own money.
i just get that vibe. but im not sure.. because he has girlfriends and sometimes talks about girls
but ive noticed he never misses a good looking guy on the street. he'll look at them.. more than he'll look at a girl
and he points out flaws with females make up.. and weaves and i just thought ordinary straight guys dont do that.
thing is he is hardly feminine and i dont want to stereotype but thats what scares me... recently he has started to shape his eyebrows.. not over the top.. but they thin out at the ends.. which is slightly emmasculine to me. but im not sure.
sometimes he stares at me and i stare back.. but i always stop because its gets uncomfortable..
i like him so much, but i have grown to value him as a friend. so i dont want to do anything to mess that up.
but i am really into him.
he is a couple years older than me aswell.. which always makes me think.. if he was gonna make a move.. he wouldve by now. as he's older. but im just not sure.
other tidbits.. he works out alot, has emmaculate hair and dress sense... and is all round just a beautiful person.
any advice u can give .. i'll be greatful.
Answer Hey there Ian
It's not always the easy to sum u someone, and to categorise them. People let us see, what they want us to see. Maybe he is gay and there are just a lot of factors in his life, that is stopping him from coming out. Maybe his family detests homosexuality, maybe he is struggling with religion. Whatever reason he has not to come out, it's still his decision, and you as sa friend have to go with it (as you have been doing).
Step 1, does he know you are gay? If he does know, then he should know his actions are influencing you. He probably knows that already. No matter how much we try to hide our true feelings sometimes, the person you're trying to hide it from usually picks up on it.
If you are into him, and don't want to risk losing a friend, then you need to put these feelings behind you and become his true friend, otherwise you're just lying to him, don't you think? I am someone, however, that belief in truth, so I would tell him. Don't just blurt it all out, tell him in a straight-forward way and let him make his own decisions: 'buddy, you know we are best buds, right? Well, I think I might like you a little bit more than that.' :-) Something like that. Then let HIM decide how to go further with it.
The way he dresses and does facial care and all that is not an indication anymore of feminitity or masculinity. Many males these days are metrosexual and have those kinds of activities. I know you are trying to find some clue as to who he really is, but the only true way is to ask. I think your friendship is hard enough to take it, don't you?
