Expert: Tedd Adams - 6/5/2009

Question
Okay, I actually have two questions for you Mr. Adams.

First question is the nicer of the two. I just graduated from high school, and a wild rumor started that I was homosexual (I am, though I never came out publicly). Later that day, I got a message on Myspace from one of the guys I was in a school play with. He asked me if I was gay/bi. I know he's a nice guy, so I asked him to promise to keep it secret and he agreed. I told him I was gay. He said he thought I wasn't straight, though I am not sure if he was just asking or if he was trying to figure out the answer to the rumor. I felt good to get the weight off my chest, but then he told me that since I was trust him, that he'd trust me. He told me he was bisexual. We both talked for a while and he was wondering if we wanted to go out clubbing or hang out some time, and of course I'd love to. Now, I am wondering if he's just wanting a non-straight friend or if he's looking for something more. We haven't really hung out except for during the school play, so I am wondering what he wants. I'm happy either way, but I was hoping for the latter.

Next question is that, I had just recently told my mother that I was agnostic, and she's heavily christian. She basically told me she screwed up on raising me, even though I am a good kid. I was wondering if I should come out to her, but now I am rock solid in staying closeted to her. My father, however, is much more open minded, but he is very much under my mother's thumb. I know he doesn't mind gays, or other religions. He has non-straight friends and he respects other's beliefs... except satanism. Anyway, I am wondering if I should come out to him or just stay closeted until I am on my own.

Thank you for your time, and I do hope to hear from you soon. Do you think it'd be ok to ask the other experts as well these questions?

Answer
Hi Jason

It certainly does not bother me if you ask the same things of the other volunteers on this board. It sometimes helps to get multiple perspectives.

Also, I must qualify all my advice by saying that in the types of matters you're asking about, the ultimate decision is always yours, of course. That is, I won't tell you explicitly what you should do, because it has to be what feels right for you. But I am happy to offer my take on it and hopefully that will provide you with the guidance to make whatever decision is right for you.

So, with that said... about the first issue. I highly suspect that your friend has taken an interest in you (in fact, even noticed you in the first place) because of an attraction to you, not merely an interest in having a like-minded friend. So hang out with him and see how things go. If it feels like there is a mutual interest, I think you'd be safe in pushing the boundaries a bit to see just how far he's willing to take things. And then trust your instincts. If you feel him pulling away, he's probably not interested. If he encourages more time spent together, then he's probably interested in something more.

As to the second issue, I don't think you have anything to lose by coming out to your father. In fact, by doing so, you may just get the very best possible advice on how to bring it up to your mother, if at all. Get his feedback on whether or not to tell your mother and if so, how you might do so.

Best of luck!!

Tedd