AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Ok i really need your help with something. im Bi-sexual and have fallen in love with someone who is a guy, who im not sure is gay or bi.
This all started at the the start if the year and its know almost july. When i was waiting for class to start, i could see him looking at me, I turned to see who it was, god he was gorgouse, the stare only last a couple of seconds, but it felt forever. he quickly looked the other way and so did i. this guy is the same age but up 1 year up because he was born in january, and im extremly tall for my age (which is 15) and hes shorter, he's a little bit shy and quiet, he hangs around guys and girls. but as i was saying, the staring didnt stop. in the classroom the door had a window on it and i could see him staring at me from across the path way, that was the longest, and sometimes when i passed him he looked, but other time he acts like im not there, as though i dont exist, it hurts. but i was doing a school play and so was he, we didnt talk very much, like i said he was shy. well i got to know him really better when we were stranded at school because of the weather. he opened up alot and told me about himself and asked about me, then we started watching something on his ipod. and he kept looking at me when ever he laugh. when we had to go and practise the school play, id had a haircut the day before and made it really short, anyway when i walked in nobody seemed to care much and some didnt even notice, except him, as i walked up to get a seat his eyes were on me the hole time, until i looked at him. well then we were sitting around waiting for our scenes and some of the guys were talking about doing comovers as ajoke, and i said to him "your lucky iv got no hair", and he replyed, 'its not that bad it looks good on you" i dont know if that was him beig nice or something else? i realized he liked to stare from a distance. im absoultly in love with this guy and have thought about him since the star of febuary, i want to tell him every thing, the way i feel about him, the way everytime i see him my heart skips a beat, but then i have thought about what he would say, what other people would say if they found out. on the last night of the production there was this really pretty girl in the audeince and i said to him that girl is really gorgouse, he stared at me me with interest, and said "yer i spos shes ok" but after the play me and him were walking up some stairs to go home, anyway we were given a signal flower and he said "i dont want to be seen with this flower ill look like a poof" and he smiled at me.the comment he made i thought was strange, whats your view on that comment?. after the play, i still talked to him and he would always simle back, and still stare at me. it becoming to much to bare. any way after the play there was holiday, and after that school. well i was getting picked up on the first week back, and so was he on a particular day, anyway i looked around and saw him but pretened i didnt see him, well he was looking at me and i gave him eye contact and smiled, and he came over, and said hi, and we talked about the holidays, agin i dont now if thats a sign he likes me or just being polite. i still talk to him if we bump into each other and he still smiles at me. we also did sport together, and he didnt really stare at me, we talked once or twice, but i swear he was checking out my legs. sometimes i feel as though im imagining it but try not to, i just hope he was staring.
These are most of the signs i have made
im really confused, i need to know what your thoughts are on the problem. do you think i should ask if hes attracted to me? or any help would do. this boy if perfect, ive never felt this way before, and before i was very confused about my sexual prefrence, but its a little bit clearer now.
you comments would be most appreciated.
Your Sincerly
Maxxie
ANSWER: Hello there Max :-)
First things first. Relax! You need to take these things one step at a time. Step 1, are you really bi? Step 2, We need to find out of he is gay or bi. Step 3, find out of he likes you. Step 4, talk to him about it. See? Many steps!
Right, to figure out if HE is gay, why not get some female friend of yours become his friend and find out from him? Gay guys tend to confide in girls, it's easier and safe for them. Or why not try some anonymous letter or text (or even try on Facebook or mySpace or wherever). Send it to him as some guy in school, saying you like him and wanted to know if he likes him back. Then check his reaction. I think, that he might be interested in you, but is too scared to talk about it. Maybe his family won't like it, or maybe he is scared he would be jokes with at school.
Straight guys just don't say or act this way at all, so even if he were gay, he probably would deny it, since he is so scared about it. Maybe he himself are confused about the feelings he's having, just like you are.
Reply back to me, if you have more questions, then we'll figure this out little by little.
Adriaan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Adriaan
Thanks so much for your words, they have put me at rest. the problem with the female friends is that hes one grade above me so its a bit hard to talk with his friends who arnt mine. can i just say talking about this making it feel a bit better. another sign is that he dosent show much interest in girls, but may try and hide it. Im still not sure if he's gay because hes not really that feminen, only the occasinal check the hair. and i he dosent have facebook or myspace, Ive check, does that seem a bit obcessive to you. Im still so confused, im acually getting a bit scared. and im pretty sure im bi,
Be great if you could reply back to me
Thanks
Answer Hey again Maxxie
The way you are feeling in completely normal, you just need to relax a little :-) Don't rush things in your mind, ok? He is not running away, so you don't have to make hasty decisions. Rather think every step through. I don't think you are obsessive, otherwise ALL people who liked other people would be, hehe!
How about actually trying a friendship with this guy first? I mean a normal real friendship, just two guys becoming buddies. It's not easy to make friends I know, but you two already have so much in common it wouldn't be too difficult. If he is interested in you, he would grab the chance, don't worry :-) If not, what's the worst that can happen, you stay school friends and at least you know where you stand.
So how do you make friends? Just like you did during the play, you start a conversation about something. Try movies, or games or sports or whatever you two would like. Talk during breaks and before classes and so on. See if you click as friends first. Try that and let me know, ok?
