AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question Okay, I actually have two questions for you Mr. Pretorius
First question is the nicer of the two. I just graduated from high school, and a wild rumor started that I was homosexual (I am, though I never came out publicly). Later that day, I got a message on Myspace from one of the guys I was in a school play with. He asked me if I was gay/bi. I know he's a nice guy, so I asked him to promise to keep it secret and he agreed. I told him I was gay. He said he thought I wasn't straight, though I am not sure if he was just asking or if he was trying to figure out the answer to the rumor. I felt good to get the weight off my chest, but then he told me that since I was trust him, that he'd trust me. He told me he was bisexual. We both talked for a while and he was wondering if we wanted to go out clubbing or hang out some time, and of course I'd love to. Now, I am wondering if he's just wanting a non-straight friend or if he's looking for something more. We haven't really hung out except for during the school play, so I am wondering what he wants. I'm happy either way. I should also mentioned that he suggested we go to the movies, though he let me pick the day and movie. It's this Friday actually.
Next question is that, I had just recently told my mother that I was agnostic, and she's heavily christian. She basically told me she screwed up on raising me, even though I am a good kid. I was wondering if I should come out to her, but now I am rock solid in staying closeted to her. My father, however, is much more open minded, but he is very much under my mother's thumb. I know he doesn't mind gays, or other religions. He has non-straight friends and he respects other's beliefs... except satanism. Anyway, I am wondering if I should come out to him or just stay closeted until I am on my own.
Thank you for your time, and I do hope to hear from you soon. I do hope to hear back soon. The last expert I asked never returned an answer...
Answer Hi Jason!
I think you should first ask your self, do you like this guy, as a friend. If you want to be his friend or start a friendship, then go to the movies. One step at a time, you see? If you're in the movies and he tries something like hold your hand or something like that, then decide if you like to do that too (secret, most gay guys do the movie thing first, it's safe and dark and you can be a little more yourself, without feeling uncomfortable). If you don't like to be so much OUT in one go, then don't take his hand, it's as easy as that. If after the movie he is all upset with you, then you should tell him he's going too fast. You see, Jason, it's about setting the pace here that is comfortable with you. If he is truly interested in you, then he will pick up on the pace and go with it. Your question, is he after a gay friend or something more, you will only know after the 'date', but my bet is, he is looking for someone like himself since he is also closeted and is also just so happy to find someone like him! That would be step one. Remember, he is probably just as frightened here, and is also just making it up as it goes :-)
If your dad has gay friends, and your mother knows about it, then she might not be as closed to the idea as you think. Your mom does sound like the type that blames herself for things she thinks are not in her definition of normal. You should show her that you are just as normal as anybody else. This means not being ashamed of who you are. I would never tell someone that they need to be oout of the closet or not, both are quite fine, but I must confess, ironically, it's easier being out. Being able to spend all your energy on being YOU, and not half of it hiding your identity, is really more fun :-) You might also be quite surprised at how your mom will react. She probably knows already... moms know... I am a little older than you, which means my mom is older than yours. I only came out at 29, my mom was 57, meaning she was still one of the older conservative types. Her reaction when I told her was: "anyone special in your life then? I would love to meet him". She is not so open to different orientations and even religions. What I'm trying to say is, you are her son, and she might be a little shocked in the beginning, and she might get angry, or cry, or hate herself, but in the end you stay her son. If she reacts something like 'it's my fault, I didn't give you enough masculine influence' you should tell her 'mom, I am gay because it's who I was created to be.'
Right back if you want to chat some more, I will always try to reply quick :-)
