AboutJim Swanson Expertise I have often helped gays in their challenge to understand what it means to come out and how best to start down that road. I have and also helped gays to reconcile the often difficult struggle of being gay and being a Christian. I now understand one of God's truths more clearly: Our pain is not wasted when we can reach around and comfort another coming along behind us on the same path.
Experience I too had to deal with these issues when I finally accepted who I was and started down my own path to come out. It is difficult to imagine now how much I have changed and how much I have learned as I traveled this most curious journey. For many years, I have hosted a website to address this issue and to help others.
Question Well... first of although I'm slightly homophobic, because I just don't understand homosexuality very well.. I don't feel particularly mean-spirited towards people who choose to live that way. I often have people think that I am gay because I'm a sensitive, and I don't know, less mean, than alot of straight guys.. I have actually tried gay sex, given and received oral sex from a man, around 4 years ago when I was 19. But I decided I was uncomfortable with it, and it didn't seam to be more satisfactory than relations with women. I'd like to seam less gay to people. Not because I dislike gayness, but more-so because I think my more accurate identification is a straight lifestyle. To make it a bit more complicated, I'm always a bit out on the edge tampering with cliches, by wearing tights and eyeliner and stuff (I'm in a band, and like to push the boundaries.)On the other hand, I like to feel secure.
Another question... I work with many gay guys, and have also had a lesbian suggest that I am, or should be gay. The lesbian may have been mad that I hit on her girlfriend, and the gay guys may just be having wishful thinking so that I may sleep with them. But why is this ok? As a straight male, I don't tell them they should be straight. How do people not think persisting in this is not offensive? It just confuses me and makes me feel disassociated from myself. I feel like if I was gay I could muster the bravado to face it, but feeling mostly straight, and with these comments swinging over emotionally to think I may be gay or bi sometimes doesn't make me feel good, just strange and confused.
Answer Hey Tim,
Thanks for your questions. Gay, straight, bi... who knows what we are or what you are. You know, there is no switch that makes you one or the other. Rather, we all are somewhere on the continuum between 100% gay and 100% straight. It is society that tries to put us in these roles. my advise to you is to just be who you are and go with the flow. Don't worry about labels and rather, think about what others need. How are they emotionally and sexually satisfied and what's the difference how others think about you?
As for being homophobic, I was there too until I finally realized I was gay and decided to come out. It appears that anyone can be homophobic and for many different reasons. I did notice you said you are not mean spirited against those that CHOOSE to live that way. Just remember, that we do not choose who we are and how we feel sexually and emotionally. Rather we DO choose how we respond and whether we have the courage to be open and honest about who we are.
As for how other perceive you... why worry about it at all? Just be who you are. And if others indicate they would hope for you being 'available' for them in a relationship, Well... just except that as a complement and move on. I don't think it is a negative for others to say 'you should be gay'. I guess I would just take that as a complement. Besides... all the cute guys are gay.
Be up front with your friends and just be open and honest. Life is too short to get uptight over these things. Relax and have a little run.
