Expert: Jim Swanson - 7/4/2009

Question
Hi, my situation is this:
I don't know what is going on with me, I've always like girls and they really turn me on when I see them, I've had sex with girls and I really enjoy it, I  and all I picture in my life is getting married with a cute girl and having family, and love her so much, but from some years to here  I find man attractive but just sexually attractive and seeing some guys it turns me on and I go to the point of masturbating having those gay thoughts, but after masturbating I freak out of what I did, but it happens and happens all over  and again and again, almost everyday imaging the pleasure of feeling a guy. But I feel so desperate cause I do not wan to be gay, I don't picture a gay life and I wouldn't like it ( I have never have sex with a guy, but I think if I get to that point I will enjoy it  but after that I think I'll kill myself) so every day I fight against this thought to not get to that point. I really like woman and I really like the idea of being and having a straight life until I die, but how can I treat this desire to have sex with a guy? I think I am not gay or bisexual cause I really like being straight and girls, I just like guy sexually but not hanging out with them of having a relation ship it never comes to mi mind its just fiscal attraction, same with girls but with girls I love to picture something deepest that fiscal attraction like a relation ship and marriage it really excites me.
I'd like to think what I have is: HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) a mental health problem or a masturbation disorder
I need help!


Answer
Hi Christian,

The first thing I think you need to understand is that being gay is  not something like a switch that makes you 100% gay or 100% straight. Rather, we all fall somewhere in the continuum in between. It is society that tries to place everyone in to need categories or straight, bi, or gay.

Also, a lot of guys are uncomfortable with the idea of being gay and surpress those feelings they might have. There is nothing wrong with that and it is the one thing we can choose. We can't however, choose to be gay or straight. That is something we are born with.

Society also makes the straight life seem much more appealing and because of that, most guys want that and assume and dream about fulfilling their future as straight like you have. Thought I do have to tell you that the gay life is just as wonderful and not what some might make it seem but rather very normal.

I usually saw that to be gay you need to have a sexual and emotional attraction to the same sex. Yet the emotional attraction can be denied when you think it is wrong or have been trained to not accept it. In your case, who knows? you might be bi and if you are, what's the big deal? Choose what you want to do with your life but remember to be who you are. It is important to be honest with yourself and accept your feelings. Remember, you can't choose how you feel. Feelings happen to you, you do not ask for them. If you never pursue your desire to have sex with a guy and you do find a girl to settle down with, you may find yourself married and still have fantasies about sex with guys.

If you really think you have a mental health problem, then I recommend that you get professional help.

I hope I have helped in some way...   Jim