AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question I cannot believe i am in this situation but i am and it actually is wonderful . I think i am deeply falling for a gay man. I have known him 5 years. I know this happens all the time. I have talked to friends but its never happened to me. He recently ended his relationship with a "bad guy" not good enough for him. And i am elated. HE deserves so much nicer of a man. I have been there for him through the break up coaching him. He calls me daily. I have become dependent on his calls in my life too. I thought nothing much of it other than i am soo soo happy to help him out as honestly he has done for for me than any other human being in my entire life and i can bet everything on that almost.
He has supported me through so much. Anyway he recently asked me if i loved him. I was frozen and i realized as he asked me at lunch after a drink that i do and i quickly said yes to him. We also said though that it cant go anywhere as he likes men for sex but he adores me so much. He did this during hsi break up . I know its a lonely time for him and me too. I am not with a boyfriend at this time. But i have to say my feelings for this man are incredebly deep. He told me (as i would never say it first as i dont want to confuse this wonderful person or jeapordize losing him as a friend even); he told me he thinks of me often . During the day. I have not told him as strongly but i implied to him i do ocassionally. This isnt true. I find myself thinking of him EVERY day many times throughout. IF i am at a movie and something reminds me of him I am so happy it does. When is see the previews to Bruno with Sasha Cohen coming soon I cry as this is my buddy i see not him in the preview. I adore him
He once told me at a laker game "you think to black and white when are you going to go into the grey area." I dont know exactly what that means but i KNOW it was pertaining to him and I. I answered I am not ready yet as honestly i am not . I want to know he is over his ex. I also want to know what his intentions would be for me . Just a fling inthe grey area? I dontknow what to do? Ask him what he means? He gets me drunk sometimes to talk about life. I love it we talk of who we are looking for in a man. We both said someone like each other .We both equally want someone just like each other. I am FREAKED! I love him andi know even if i meet a new man i cannot lose this beautiful friend i have . so deeply do i adore him i cannot even imagine being away from him
HELP!
Answer Hey Carolyn
A tough one you're in, but not impossible to sort our luckily. As you confess here to me how you feel, you need to tell him all that too. He needs to know, because it would be unfair for him make you feel this way, if he never had intentions of taking it further. It's also unfair for you to have to hide your feelings towards him if they can never realise. IF you two keep on holding this ib, you're going to explode emotionally and then you might end up losing the friendship. I am a firm believer in honesty, being open... Get it all on the table. You say he is a dear friend? Then he would be able to handle it, and it sounds like your friendship is string enough to withstand the honesty too.
Have you ever heard of pansexualism? It's where you love someone for WHO they are, not WHAT they are... You friend calls this the grey area. I am a gay man, but if I find my soulmate in a girl one day, I would not hestitate. If your friend is only in a gay relationship for the gay sex, he's in it for the wrong reasons anyway!
I hope you can find it in yourself to show him how you feel, Carolyn, maybe he is waiting just for that? Just keep in mind he is on the rebound still, so maybe give it a little more time THEN tell him, but in the end you have to, I think.
