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Gay Life/post tramautic break-up


Hello Tedd,

I am 30 and was in a relationship for the past 1.5 year with a 40yr old guy. After 6 months of our relationship I permanently shifted with him. Though I reacted twice very strongly when i found out his sexting and fixing sex dates. He could see that I was devastated. Though he never accepted that whatever he did was wrong. All he said was "you are not mature enough to understand such things. Sex means nothing and you should not give it too much importance. The truth is that I love you". I was so full of self doubt. Whatever he said devalued my own belief. But, I even then I kept on hanging until I caught him red-handed. I finally broke up with him. I was determined to move on. He came back crying and feeling sorry. So much drama happened. Even then he justified his doings. He said "I had no clue that you will be so hurt else I wouldn't have done it. Had you not spied on me, we would have been happy". I couldn't buy this.

For the next 5 months this drama went on. Somehow he managed to pull me back in the relationship. I couldn't forget what he did and his justifications for his doings. I found it very difficult to leave him. In these five months I broke up with him 3 times. He kept on pursuing me and parallely slept around also. I started sleeping around. When i finally realized that I could never gain the trust back I decided to end the relationship and forced myself to leave him. Just after and hour of break up I had a severe nervous break down. I gave him my final verdict and requested him not to contact me and send any text.

Everyday i am coping with misery, anger and find it hard to live. He has not stopped texting. He again started saying all the emotional things that triggers me. I have started meeting guys just for sex so that I can forget him. I find it very hard to connect myself emotionally with anyone. Tedd, he is sleeping around, meeting guys. I dont understand why he still trying to get me back? And if, he really wants me back then why is he not trying with whole heatedly? Why is he sleeping around? I have started hating him. Instead of accepting his mistake which led us to break up, he still believes that its my flatmate who is the main reason behind the destruction of our relationship (that's not true at all). What to do in this situation?

Thanking you in anticipation.


There is not reason to accept someone else's definition of what makes for a relationship, especially if 1) it does not align with your expectations, and 2) it's really self-serving.

This guy wants the best of both worlds. That's not uncommon, but he really needs to find someone with the same values or expectations. I personally find it admirable that you expect fidelity in a relationship, and you should find someone who shares this belief.

So please do yourself a favor and don't consider getting back together with him. You're incompatible. Remember fondly the things that made it great, but realize that's in the past and move on. Cherish the memories, but don't shackle yourself to a dream that will never come true.

I wish you the best,


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Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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