You are here:

Gay Life/Sex in a relationship


Hi Tedd. I'm Ryan, 19, and I'm currently in a relationship. The guy I'm with is honestly perfect for me- we get along better than I've ever gotten along with anyone I've ever dated in the past, we share a lot of the same interests and quirks, and all of our friends all get along with each other really well. Basically, he's exactly what I've been looking for, for a really long time, and he's said the same thing about me. The only issue I'm experiencing is with sex. He's EXTREMELY kinky, and into bondage, scratching, whips, etc. I'm definitely not turned off by this, and I wouldn't say that I'm not into it, however, I've never been with someone who has been that much into kinky stuff before, so I'm not used to it and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing at times. Because of this, I'm basically not able to give him what he wants, which is causing a lot of sexual tension in our relationship. We've talked about it, and he said that it's not a HUGE deal to him, because obviously sex isn't everything in a relationship. However, at the same time, I know in the back of my mind that if the sex isn't good, the relationship won't last. He's said that he does want to keep seeing how things go, and I told him that it's not something that I can't work on or "learn" how to be better at, I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to lose him over this, and I don't know how to react or how to go about fixing it because I've never had this problem with anybody else I've been with before. If there's any advice you can give me, it would be greatly appreciated because I definitely could use it right now.

Hi Ryan

Congratulations on finding a relationship that makes you so happy. That is not easy to find.

The good news in this is that your probably really isn't much of a problem at all, and it all boils down to communication. I know you said you are open to learning his expectations, but you have to make sure he's on board with teaching. You didn't say how he responded to that. Second, make sure that he really, truly knows its not something you're bothered by. All too often, when we don't like something, we don't communicate that directly, but make excuses ("I know we haven't talked in forever, but I've been SO busy lately"). People can detect such evasion and may even assume it's I play even when it is not. That's why it is really important to let him know you really are okay with it, that you're willing to learn because he is important to you, and here's the most important part... Get his commitment, very specifically, of what his role will be in helping the two of you grow together. Don't settle for a vague acceptance. Ask him exactly what he'll do to help you learn what pleases him sexually, and then hold him to it.

It's most definitely something you can overcome, and even grow and enjoy in the process. But like most things in a relationship, it has to be done together!

Best wishes,


Gay Life

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

©2016 All rights reserved.