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Gay Life/finding a boyfriend?


Hi adriaan, I am 14 and a few of my closest friends know that I am gay. I have a suspicion that one of my best friends is gay as well, how would I go about approching him? I don't want to make my self look like an idiot if it turns out he is straight. I realise I am only 14 but I feel like I am the only gay in the world sometimes, and alot of my friends already have sexual relationships. i can work out what to do after i find out he is gay, i just need a bit of expertise in finding out for sure, without raising his. suspicions of me being gay aswell.

Thanks, :) sam

Hey Sam!

There are a few tricks you can try, to find out if someone is gay.  One is get your friends to help.  Girl-friends are the best ones ;-)  Get one to go fish for info from your friend.  Gay guys tend to confide in girls more quickly (am I right?? hehe).

You could also try and send him an anonymous message.  Use any kind of way you think would be good, like leaving a note on his desk, or sending a tweet, or FB-message, from an account that is not yours.  Try something like 'I am in your school, and I think you are awesome, but didn't know if you would feel the same about me, as I am a guy too.'

Since this is one of your best friends, you can try a more direct approach?  Go out to movies and burgers one Friday, like you would always do, then when some good looking guy walk by, you could point him out and ask what he thought.  You don't have to make it obviously gay, try something like 'nice looking guy, that' or 'I could never look like that, in those jeans'.  Then see how he reacts.  If he goes quiet, or loudly declares that 'I don't look at dudes', then he might be a little confused about his sexuality, because his reaction is conscious.  If he seem not to be interested or changes the subject, he is probably straight.  These things are of course not an exact science, so it's trial and error.

There is of course one other way.  You say that you have told some of your friends you are gay.  Why don't you tell this friend as well?  First become a friend to him with no secrets, and take it from there?  You declaring you are gay doesn't mean you want to marry him you know :-p  rather that you are trusting him.  Who knows, he might make the first move?

Being gay, yes, is quite daunting and people can be cruel, I know, especially in school, but if you trust those around you, then who cares what the others think?

If you like, keep me up to date with what's happening, you don't have to do this alone!


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Adriaan Pretorius


Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.


I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.

I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.

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