Gay Life/Friend - Denial - Follow-up
It's Mick again. I sent you a follow-up posting to the original after I received your answer. In that posting, it was mainly informative and not question based. What I was looking for / trying to ask was that, after you had all the information, would that change your original answer at all? I want to be sure as to what is going on with myself and my friend.
We are not kids, he's 29 and I just turned 32 today.
Anyhow, I have mentioned talk therapy / counseling with him and he does not want to go "talk to a shrink". He may come around, not sure. I pitched it to him as even if he does not need one for his own issues, it would be beneficial to saving our friendship.
I really want him to talk to me, trust me, and be okay with me.
He is still staying with his mother. Wednesday night was the first time we saw each other since he left last Monday. He came over for dinner and I wanted to talk to him. He tells me that it's making him uncomfortable because he's not ready to talk and that he was starting to feel "sick" as he was coming over and almost called me to cancel; but he didn't. He did tell me on Wednesday and Friday that "I know I still love you". He misses being at my house but says he doesn't miss the cuddling or other stuff because "it's nice to be able to just go to bed and get some sleep, not having to get up and switch rooms in the night".
I guess the questions I still have are the one above; since I provided you more information in my 2nd post, would any of that change your answer at all to what is going on here?
I let him read my 1st & 2nd questions and asked him if he agreed that they were a true synopsis of what was going on. He said that he did agree with all of it. However, when he read your response to the 1st, he didn't agree with that but read it a few times I believe. He told me he wasn't mad at me for seeking advice and knew it wasn't my response. But after the 1st sentence, he stopped and said, "right there, I'm not gay".
What do I do? I really miss him, want to give him space, but most importantly, I want him to be happy. I want him to be himself even if my instincts are wrong about the situation; are they?
I want him to know that I'm here for him no matter what. I want him to be able to talk to me, but every time I try to talk he tells me the same "this is making me uncomfortable; I'm not ready to talk about it yet" or "you and I want 2 different things". But we don't; I just want him to be happy with himself no matter what he is. He just wants to be happy too.
I don't want him to be left to his own "devices"; I don't want him to keep his battle going or to try and turn a blind eye / heart to everything. He is trying hard to distance himself from his heart and "run away" from the situation. He's killing me inside.
Last night we talked on the phone and I got really upset. I basically hit "rock bottom" because he just kept telling me the same things "I don't know what else to say, we want 2 different things". I asked him to look back on a few occasions we shared and asked if he still tries to remember those. He said he remembers and I could tell he was getting either upset or anxious.
I couldn't take it anymore and went to his mom's to try and see him / talk to him. He wouldn't come out. We exchanged texts back and forth. I kept trying to get him to see me and told him I was relaxed. He just kept responding "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm scared" or "I'm sorry, I'm freaking out and my mom is starting to worry, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry."
My final response was that I wanted him to rest easy and calm himself down and that I knew we needed space. I told him that I would help him get the rest of his stuff out of my house and to his mom's today if he wanted and sincerely apologized for the events of the evening. I don't know if I need closure or just really want to be there for him or what is going on.
Any additional advice / insight would be greatly appreciated.
My advice to you at this point is to move on.
If he is gay and not ready to come out then its time for you to move on and if he's not gay and never will be then it is also time for you to move on.
You can remain friends with him but as far as a relationship goes he is clearly not ready or on the same page as you.
I think its time you find someone that is.