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Gay Life/love-sex-betrayal


Hello Tedd, hope you are doing good. I need your advice for below mentioned problem.
The thing is, In a 1.5 yrs of relationship I broke up with him since he cheated on me more than once. Even after break up we went on and off for about another 5 months. In these five months I went back to him 3 times since he kept on trying to get me back. I had a nervous breakdown when I realized that no matter what the trust can't be restored. Whenever I broke up, he started sleeping around (I also slept around) and at the same time he kept on trying to get me back whilst I just wanted to get over and move on in life. I broke up once and for all. I cut all the connection between us but he did not stop sending sms saying how miserable his life has become since I left him.

It's been 9 months (including the on off period). I have been trying but I am still not over him yet. On new years eve, he said that "I need to meet you and finish this thing once and for all so that I can also move on in my life". He needed my help to move on in life and wanted to meet me for a face to face conversation one last time. When I met him he started crying and apologized for his cheating and asked for a last chance to make things better. He lost so much weight and was looking miserable. He promised me that he would do everything to make me happy and will not cheat ever in life. He said "trust me one last time and I won't let you down". Finally I said I needed time since I was not thinking about getting back together.

Now, just a week back I came to know that he was hospitalized since he was diagnosed with Jaundice (hepatitis B). It was sexually transmitted (he told me) though he used protection. I was a little paranoid after listening all this. Nobody was with him to take care of him. I couldn't devote myself 24x7 to him since I have to work and most of all he is no longer my BF. However, I went to see him twice and spent 4-5hrs with him. He said "I have learnt my lesson and had I been with you only I wouldn't have to go through all this".
Every time it seems there is too much to think to get back together. I am at this juncture where I don't understand what do to and what to think. Will you please advice me and give all the perspective regarding this issue so that I can think rationally and reach to a decision.

Thanking you in anticipation


I hope you'll see this for what it is. He wants to enjoy his freedom (sleeping around with whomever he wants), but when he's down on his luck (sick and probably unattractive), then he wants you there to take care of him. So he's treated you badly time and time again, and then when he has few options left, he wants you to devote all your time to taking care of him. Why would you accept this kind of deal? You shouldn't! Just because you still have some place in your heart for him does not make it your responsibility to see to his care around the clock. He's just using you.

Yes, it's hard to see someone you care about going through a hard time, especially a chronic illness, but don't allow him to manipulate your good will by making you feel like a bad person if you don't attend to his every need. That is NOT your responsibility, no matter how much you may care for him. Let him know you wish him well, that you will be open to helping to a REASONABLE extent, but also be very clear where you draw that line. And then stick to it. People like him will attempt to draw you in more and more, and keep trying to redefine your boundaries, so prepare yourself mentally to remind him of where you stand. It will be hard, but doing otherwise means allowing him to manipulate you. Don't allow it.

Best wishes,


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Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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