Gay Life/Met somebody



I'm Kevin, 21 years old and in the closet. I'll first tell you my story and then ask my question.

Last year I got fed up with being unable to out myself, so I decided to go online to talk/meet with other gay people. (It basicly was a dating site. What's the harm in making a profile, right?)

A few weeks later I saw a profile I liked (The site indicated that we had 90% communalities), so I "favorited" him. A couple of days he "favorited" me back. When you are each others favorites on the site, you can chat. So we started chatting. By doing so, we found out that we did have same interests. The only thing was, when he first chatted with me he wanted to make sure I was ok with him being 9 years older (he's 30) and I told him I didn't bother me.

We wanted to see each other in person, so we met and it was great. No kissing or sex, but we talked the entire evening without stopping and wanted to do this over again. Since we've met, I started to really like him.

We mailed often, but we didn't have our second date for a long while because he has a job that takes a lot of his time and I had my exams. That period we had very little converstation.

After my exams were done, I wanted to see him again. But he didn't want it because he had to deal with an ex who he had a bad and weird break up with and a new relationship is something he didn't want to worry about that time. So I backed off to give him some space to get through that.

I mailed him very little in the months following that and he was very little responsive to my mails. Eventually, he mailed me he didn't see this working out because of the age difference (what didn't seem to be bothering him in the beginning). I wanted to convince him that that is not true. But instead of actually going into the matter, he ignored me and has been ignoring me ever since.

I felt/feel hurt because I don't really understand how he had such a turnover. I also needed somebody at that time to talk to about my sexuality since I'm not out the closet yet.
I know and understand that he couldn't deal with me and the ex at the same time, but I imagened we could pick up where we left of after that thing with his ex was over.

Could you help me to shed some light on this? I have trouble understanding what really happenned and feel like it's my fault that it didn't work.


Dear Kevin

If you ever need to chat with someone, you can chat to me.  Please note that since your question is not marked as 'private' your letter and my reply will be posted on the internet.  If you don't want this to happen, sen your questions to private in the future.

It sounds to me that he just got cold feet and just didn't know how to let you down easy, so he invented these stupid excuses not to see you anymore.  It also sounds like he still have a lot of baggage where his ex is concerned, so you wouldn't want to end up in that kind of drama in any case!

This was not your fault, Kevin.  He met you.  You enjoyed each other's company.  He decided not to pursue it, and it ended.  I think there were just no sparks from his side.  When you meet someone and it feels just right, then it comes from both sides.  I think that you might have been so anxious and maybe a little lonely, that you thought you saw more in how much he liked you, than there really was.  Some guys are good at putting up a show (sometimes maliciously, to get you to bed, sometimes subconsciously, as they just cannot see you get hurt by telling you off).

In the end, I think all of this would have just created a massive drama in your life in any case, so I think you should be happy that it happened before things got serious, feel sad about it, and more on.  There are guys that will appreciate you for you, Kevin :-)

You can chat to me about anything, if you feel you need someone and you have no one.  Being in the closet can be very hard, especially if you want to be out there, like it seems you want to be!

Good luck

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Adriaan Pretorius


Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.


I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.

I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.

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