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Gay Life/Question if you have time for it.


This is not super important, so if any other questions are needing attention please get to them first.

Okay my name's Alex, and well my question relates to fiction. I asked a friend of mine to help me write a story. She asks if she can have a gay male character. I said yes to her. My friend herself is a lesbian, she confided in me once that when she was younger she wanted to be bisexual really badly, but just couldn't do that.

I really want the relationship to feel genuine. The problem is gay or otherwise I've never been in a relationship. I've just never felt attracted to anyone, I can watch or read pornographic content but the thought of an actual person turns me off. Which leads me into that I need help. After speaking with her, I know how she'd like her character's love interest.

I need the character to be gay, but repressed about it. Has not come out, grew up in a religious house hold, and since it's a space-military story, there's the whole putting work before love thing.

As a gay man yourself could you please lend me a few details about how I could better characterize him? I want a genuine relationship, not just a couple of dudes for 14 year old girls to go "OMG HOT GAY SEX!" I just don't want that. I want the emotions to feel real, and have depth.

Can you please help me if you have the time?

Hi Alex.

I don't think I can help you much with this one. There isn't really one way all gay men, or all people, feel about love and relationships. Feelings vary from person to person and what I might feel constitutes as "genuine emotion" doesn't necessarily mean the same to another person.

People are different because of their personalities, not just because of their sexuality. Sexuality affects a person's personality to varying degrees depending on the individual, as do life experiences. So, for example, one gay man brought up in a repressive religious background might become a repressed zealot, whereas another gay man brought up in this way might rebel against it and become irreligious and openly gay. It really just depends on the individual.

I think to avoid making your characters simple sex objects, all you need to do is give them personality and emotion and to show that they feel something more than just basic sexual desire for one another. I can't tell you what personalities to give them in order to characterise them - it's up to you as it's your story. Perhaps once you have an idea of the kind of personality you want to give the gay character, it might become easier to then imagine how he might feel when in love or in a relationship. It can also be difficult to write about something you don't really feel or know yourself, so maybe you could imagine how you yourself would feel in the situations in the story as a base, then change the feelings to suit your characters personality.

You might also try asking this same question on writers forums - they will probably have more insight into how to write your characters feelings effectively.

Hope this helps in some way,

Gay Life

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Questions relating to coming out to friends and family, social issues, issues in the workplace, relationship issues, issues relating to gay life in general. Issues relating to gay sex, protection and sexually transmitted infections and worries about first time gay sex. I can also answer questions in relation to being gay and religion.


I am a 28 year old gay man and have been out since I was 15 at high school. Although I am not religious, I attended Catholic schools and have experience dealing with pressures religion can place on a gay person. I have a wide variety of friends from all different backgrounds, races, sexualities, religions, etc. I have also had several relationships and have experience of relationship issues and dilemmas, sexual issues and experience of the gay scene.

Occupation - NHS Scotland (National Health Service Scotland)

Currently studying BA Honours in English Language & Literature and have previously studied Psychology at university level. Four A's at Higher level Psychology, Sociology, Philosophy and English.

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