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Dear Tedd,

Hope you are doing good... sorry for this lengthy mail...

I need your advice as I am completely confused and donít know how to handle this situation. Cutting the long story short, after being cheated by my manipulative boyfriend in 1.5 yr of relationship, I broke up with him. I tried to give him second chance but I found it hard to trust him and we repeatedly broke up several time. Every time it was emotionally damaging and I went through a severe nervous breakdown as well. So i finally decided to cut all the connection with him for good. I tried my best to forget everything and move on in life. Itís been almost more than a years and he never stopped contacting me. It is absolutely frustrating and I donít want him to contact me at all which i have clearly conveyed to him. But he says that he canít live without me.

Now the thing is, he has started coming completely drunk to home once in every two months. I live with my two other roommates. He doesnít care what other people think of his such behaviour. The first time when he came drunk, that day he was on a sex date which happen to be nearby my locality. He came to know that I had slept with the same guy. He came to my place straight away fully drunken without even informing me. He cried and asked me to come back in his life. When i told him that I no longer had a desire to get into a relationship neither with him nor with anybody else since i didít feel myself ready for that. The truth is I feel very scared when i think of a relationship( especially when I think of a relationship with him). He got furious and started talking in bad language(like, ďhow many more dicks you want to take? I will provide you dicks, just come back to me. You wanted to have sex with different people, thatís why you broke up with me.Ē) I had no words to say. I told him to leave and he left but he came again early in the morning after attending a get together. I made it very clear to him that there was not hope for us and he left saying that he would not bother again.

A week ago he came again drunken and again insisted me to hug him and hold him. I denied and warned him that I would no longer tolerate his such behaviour. He puked all over on the floor, spitting on the bed and clothes. He didnít leave and slept. He woke up in the morning and again forced me to hug him and hold him. I had to hug him so that he may leave. He didnít remember anything what happened in the night. I made it clear that I was not ready for love or relationship and i was happy the way my life was going. He says he doesnít understand how cannot i love him. He says ďI know you love me but you always hide your feelingsĒ.

Next day, He emailed me apologising of his behaviour and said he will give up sex and  alcohol and will never stop loving me. Today he dropped a big gift at my doorstep as here we have this big festival that we exchange gifts. I feel like throwing away the gift. I donít know what to do now. I know that i donít want a relationship at this moment and neither even trying to look for one. Again my mind is fuc**d up and thinking if he really loves me???? I am tired. i am 32 and he is 43.  I canít leave my job and city.

Please advice.

Thanking You in anticipation.

PS

Answer
Hi PS

It seems like you have a good understanding that the problem is his and not yours, but you still seem to let him get to you. You need to hold firm and perhaps be even more harsh in rejecting him, because he is doing you no good whatsoever. He is toxic and a drain on your emotional resources. Do not let him back in your life, and at this point, you may have to be very forceful in letting him know he has no place there. Do not even let him in the door. Do not answer his calls or texts. He has not respected your wishes at all, so you need to be even more firm.

You are right that the best thing for you is to cut him out of your life. Now you just need to stand firm in that resolve until he understands that there is no middle ground. He is not a part of your life anymore, in any way.

I hope this helps.

Tedd

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Tedd Adams

Expertise

I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: Tambiťn, puedo responder a preguntas en espaŮol.

Experience

I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Organizations
Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Publications
Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Education/Credentials
Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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