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Gay Life/Sexuality question - a bit long, sorry


I'm a 27 year old male from the United Kingdom, who has Asperger's Syndrome. I've never actively dated, and also feel a little bit embarrassed about having emotional/physical attraction to men - not necessarily sexual though.
I usually fancy women, but for some reason I find Shemar Moore and Gethin Jones to be physically attractive, and feel embarrassed about this. These are the only celebrity men I've really had any attraction to; it's usually female celebrities I like.

I live in a small village, and gay people are very much uncommon, homosexuality isn't a talked-about subject. It's populated, but a small population.

I worry this makes me gay, having the attraction towards the men mentioned above - and that I sometimes feel confused about my own sexuality, thinking I should go on a date with a girl first (I want/had wanted a girlfriend for a while now) but am a little too embarrassed to go into the local gay bar in the nearest city, some 10 miles away. It's not obvious that it's a gay bar and it doesn't shout "scene" (which may be a good thing, your friends may beg to differ), looks very much 1970s pub, but that's a little beside the point.
Although I'm confident enough to have a conversation with people in the pubs that I go to, I am not confident enough to flirt with a guy in a gay bar; I assume flirting with men is different from women. I couldn't use gay dating sites, too risky for me, so I'm probably sticking to the 'old-fashioned' method (aka the pub).

I'm wondering, does having Asperger's make it harder to be gay, given that it brings additional complications?

[Personal details have been cut for privacy]


It's possible from what you have told me that you may be "bi-sexual" and are attracted to both men and women. I don't believe having Asperger's Syndrome has anything to do with the way you will relate to either sex or that it has anything to do with your sexuality.

Since you are still a virgin it may just be that you are still confused about who you want and what you want. Once you find the right person that you are attracted to both physically and emotionally you will know in your heart what is personally right for you. It may be a woman or it may be a man.

My advice to you is to find the person you are both emotionally and sexually attracted to and go on a date and see how it works out for you. If it feels right and makes you happy then it is right. If that doesn't work I would suggest getting some counseling to sort through your feelings and to explore what it is that you are most comfortable doing.

Be safe and I wish you luck,

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I can answer questions about coming out as well as dealing with the death of a partner or spouse. I am very compassionate and caring and will often rely on my own life experiences of coming out and loss of a loved one to help others. Losing someone you love is never easy and being in a gay relationship can often add to that feeling of isolation and loneliness.


I have worked closely with Mass Equality to fight for the right for people of all genders and lifestyles to get married. I have also participated in many LGBT Grief Support Groups.

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BA- English-Sociology-Psychology I year - New England School of Law

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