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Gay Life/i am lossing my son


I am lost and confussed about my sons actions, I caught him looking at a gay porn site and I ask him is he gay and he broke down and said to me eye to eye that he is not gay and stop asking.The reason he said stop asking is before the gay porn i ask him because he hangs around alot of girls, his best friend is gay, and when i mention dateing a girl he gives me a weak excuse for why he don't date and why he don't like hanging around other males. I am lossing my son, because i keep asking and he just shut down and now he has stop talking to me.

Hi Vanessa

You can't force your son to come out before he's ready to. He's likely scared and uncertain of what to expect when you find out, so he's going to try even harder to keep the secret.

The BEST thing you can do it just constantly reassure him that you love him as he is and that you are okay with him being gay (assuming you are; if not, I have other advice below). I don't mean in specific one-on-one talks with him, but rather, in the same way that kids in intolerant households learn that... by hearing off the cuff comments their parents make, which sends a clear message. You have to do the same, but in a position, affirming way. Gay marriage is in the news all the time these days. That's makes it an easy opportunity to comment positively about equal rights and respect and dignity. Again, don't direct this towards him specifically. Just generally supportive comments, which will let him know it's safe to tell you, when he is ready to.

Now, on the other hand, if you're NOT supportive, then that's a bigger problem, but let me by clear... it is YOUR problem, not his. He is fine just how he is. You have to learn to love and appreciate him for exactly the person he is, because he is NOT changing, no matter how hard you might wish or pray. If you try to change him, you will only further guarantee the end of your relationship with him as you know it. If this is an issue for you, please visit a local chapter of PFLAG (Parent and Families of Lesbians and Gays, and talk to other parents who are at the same place you are, or who have successfully raised gay and lesbian children.

Vanessa, you've made some missteps so far, but they are not terribly damaging. They can be corrected, but you have to let him take the lead. Your only job is to show him that you love him and support him no matter what, and nothing will change that. That's how you strengthen your relationship with your son.

Best wishes,


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Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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