Gay Life/trust issues....kindly advice...
Dear Damian, Hope you are doing good. First of all sorry for the below lengthy mail, but i feel I must let you know the background before I tell you my actual problem. I tried my best to make this mail as short as i can.
I am 31 and he is 41, we have been in a rocky relationship for the past 2 yrs. I broke up with him last year in April since he cheated on me more than once. In fact, when i started doubting him, I had to spy on him to get all the information. Though he never considered his deeds were actually cheating (It includes, phone sex, doing sex chat and then offer the other guy to go out in the night in his car, making out with one of his friend except anal). Whenever I confronted him with his deeds, he denied that what he did was a big issue. He made me feel that I was immature and needed to grow up in life. He used to tell me that i was unnecessarily making things bigger whilst they were nothing just time pass. Finally he fixed a sex date and made out (here i broke up with him). These were the incidents which i had proof for. He is in flying job and I am sure there were more incidents which I have no clue about. He is a very short temper person and there were times when he behaved as if I mean nothing to him. Shouting, slamming doors, rash driving is something he often does whenever we argue.
Even after break up we went on and off for about another 5 months. In these five months I went back to him 3 times since he kept on trying to get me back and I was having a hard time to trust him. I got so frustrated and puzzled since he was manipulating me so much that I started doubting my own decision and my own values in life. I had a severe nervous breakdown when I broke up third time realizing, no matter what, the trust couldn't be restored. Whenever I broke up, he started sleeping around (I also slept around) and at the same time he kept on trying to get me back whilst I just wanted to get over and move on in life. I cut all the connection but he did not stop sending sms saying how miserable his life has become since I left him (every now and then he kept on sending msgs to make me feel that how heartless I was and he is in pain physically and mentally) I don't know if he had any idea the pain and agony he put me through.
This year, in Jan, he requested to meet for a face to face conversation one last time. When I met him he started crying and apologized for his cheating and asked for a last chance to make things better. He promised me that he would do everything to make me happy and will not cheat ever in life. He said "trust me one last time and I won't let you down". Finally I said I needed time since I was not thinking about getting back together. The very next day I came to know that he was hospitalized since he was diagnosed with hepatitis B. It was sexually transmitted from a guy he made out with a week back (he told me), though he used protection. I was paranoid after listening all this. Nobody was with him to take care of him. However, I went to see him twice and spent 4-5hrs with him. He said "I have learnt my lesson and had I been with you only I wouldn't have to go through all this". He still believes that he did not cause as much pain as I make him believe. Once he recovered he started sending me letters everyday till he was on medical leaves.
Now, we are back together, I live on rent, he has his own house. He want me to shift with him and I don't want to shift with him. How should I handle this situation??? I am so angry on myself since I can't figure out what is there that made me get back into this relationship again knowing the fact that how destructive things turned out? I remain irritated and tensed all that time and find it hard to bear a single nonsense of his.
Though he is trying to be nice to me yet sometimes I feel that he is the same person I left. He expects my full attention and here things get tensed. I am having a tough time to trust him. He thinks that he doesn't need to tell me every little things. I always think of leaving him since the past keep on torturing me, I find myself unable to leave him since it pains. I hate myself for this. Please advice what to do at this juncture?
Thanking you in anticipation
I think it is important for you to read back your letter but read it back as if someone has wrote it to you. Iím sure will then see that this relationship is not good for you. I view relationships as a bond of 2 people who want to make life better for each other and share love and happiness. Can you say you as a couple fulfil this?
When in a relationship with someone who is cheating and promiscuous is extremely dangerous. You are then opening yourself to getting hepatitis, H.I.V and AIDS amongst other high risk STIíSÖÖÖÖÖ.. is your LIFE worth the relationship, is the love you have worth risking your health for? These are all questions that you may need to ask yourself.
You are now in a position of strength because you have your own place etc. so this is an advantage.
Donít ever question your instincts or morals you will usually be right and Iím speaking from experience with that.
I would just say in your particular circumstances after reading your letter it is clear that you are better away from this guy and out of the relationship. One thing I try to remember is
(The only thing a bad man does is keep a good man away)
YOUíRE WORTH MORE.
Let me know your progress and I hope this has helped.