Gay Life/Help me sort my life out
Hi I'm 16 and when I was in primary 4-7 I used to get dry humped by this guy in my year every time we had sleep overs and we snogged and watched each other get changed but no proper intercoarse. This, I fear, has severly affected the person I am today. I have never really had a relationship with a female and I never think of them sexually so I'm scared that I'm gay because of what the boy did to me (he offered to shag me and I didn't know what that meant at the time). Now I hate who I am - I want to be able to feel sexually attracted to females and I don't know if I can because I do find them attractive so is it possible that I have feelings for them hidden away? I have never really told anyone this, its a burden I've carried alone and I don't see that boy anymore. I just want to stop having to hate myself all the time and atleast discover who I am. How do I go about forgetting him and moving on? Also, the mates I hang around with at school (males) constantly cuddle each other do things that guys do playfully and they r suspicious of me because people have noticed that I don't allow them to hug me and I think its because I fear that one of them will do what that boy did to me again. A part of me wants to have sex with them and I know that they're straight and that can't happen. Also, any male I get close to I think will want to do sexual things which I know isn't right. There is this thing inside my head that CONSTANTLY makes me believe that every male wants sex with me, how do I turn this off before I make myself vulnerable and try to make a move on a guy and thus revealing who I am? So I don't know why I'm here really, I guess its because I don't know if I can go through this alone anymore... believe it has gotten to the point where I have considered suicide because of all this.
You are still very young and at the stage in your life where you are still "exploring" your sexuality. Please do not ever consider suicide as an option for your problems. Certainly not at the age of 16 when you have your whole entire life ahead of you.
It sounds to me that from what you have told me that you may be gay because you say a part of you wants to have sex with other boys. If that is the case its okay to be who you are and you should be proud of who you are regardless if you like boys or girls.
What happened with that other boy is in the past. It seems to have affected you in a negative way so you need to move past that and try to move forward. Regardless of what that boy did it would not have "made you gay" if you weren't gay already. If you are gay then you were born that way and its okay to have feelings towards other boys. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just a small part of who you are and what you will become in the future.
Don't distance yourself from other people and don't ever be afraid to be who you are even if it is a gay man. I also urge you to get counseling because of your thoughts of suicide. Life changes on a daily basis and year to year and you don't want to end a life that could have a future that is full of promise and adventure. The experiences you have in your life are what make you the person you are and whoever that person is should be something you embrace and enjoy.
Regardless of who you love or desire (be it a girl or a boy) always follow your heart and be with the person that make you happy and makes you feel loved. The rest will all fall into place in time.
Please consider talking to an adult like a counselor at your school or a parent that you love and trust that can help you work out your feelings so you aren't holding them in and keeping a "secret". You will feel better and less alone when you open up to a trusted person that can help and support you and provide you the guidance that you need right now in your life.
I wish you much luck and happiness.