Gay Life/breakup - can I get him back?
QUESTION: Hello all. I have been living with my partner for a year now. We dated for 3 months before moving in. We were deeply in love with each other and he was absolutely crazy about me. We went on holidays to fiji etc. In September last year he went to uk for 3 months for work. We used to talk every day n never fought while he was away. Aa soon as he came back the fight started. He tried to break up in January but I somehow persuaded him but last week it was over n he made his final decision. I am totally heartbroken. His reasins are he is not attracted to me anymore only because he thinks that we are different. He said I am not motivated and don't have drive. I am lazy. I am too clingy. He doesn't like personality. Now let me tell you, am 28 and he is 34. We both work full time even though he has a better job. I don't really like my job and I told him I will start looking for another one but haven't really. He drives and I don't. He is also a clean freak and I have made an effort to live up close to his expectations which he noticed. Also I go to gym which he doesn't and its me who cooks for him everyday. I am totally confused. He will stay for the next 3 months then the lease will be over and he will move out. We are still sharing the same bed but sleeping on each side. Every day we just say hi that's all. What do I do. Please help. Its pure and true love for me. He has definitely made up his mind. Even though he doesn't love me hut am sure he still has feeling for me. How do I wake up the love in his heart? I don't think I will ever fall in love again. He's 34 and believes that he thinks like a 40 years old. He wants somebody very mature for him. Also when he was breaking up he told me that I need to find happiness within myself first n I need to find someone around my age.
ANSWER: I am sorry that you are going through this all,
Moving in together after 3 months can cause a few issues, being it is still the honey moon period and things are new and exciting and it can cause us to not think clearly. We tend to settle down after a while and some of our traits tend to be noticeable - love can tend to blind us to things like being lazy or clingy, but when the dust settles it can be clear what the person is really like.
So he went away for 3 months, that is a long time for a relationship, if it was early on it can be very hard since you tend to seem more clingy because you miss them. That is normal. And you probably didn't fight at all because you only shared the fun and different things that had happened during your day at the time - there was no fight over who didn't do the dishes or who left a wet towel on the floor. Basically when someone we love goes away and we don't see them as much as before, we tend to forget about the silly things that annoy us and only focus on the good.
It could be possible that he tried to break up in January is because he was away for 3 months and forgot about things you did that may have annoyed him, this isn't your fault, its who you are and you may not have realised these things annoyed him. He may have felt a bit overwhelmed as it can be hard to adjust to having someone be there all the time, when you wake up and when you see them everyday it can sometimes feel a bit smothering. Again this isn't anyones fault, its just what happens.
I can see where he is coming from with the age difference - he could see you as young and with so much potential and he feels that he is "over the hill" which he is far from, but he could be concerned with long term and sees this situation as a fling. Not to say it is one.
I suggest you sit him down after work one day and talk it out. Ask him why he has changed his mind about you two. What happened to cause the fights and make him want to leave?
Sometimes we make choices and we regret it later, he may have fallen out of love with you, but you need to talk to him and ask, you don't know the full story till you do.
I hope this helps
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
Thank you very much for the advise. You have been very help. I have 1 more question. When he broke up with me then I sat down with him and asked him if we can both work together to make this relationship work. But he told me that he doesn't want to and there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I asked him if he had an affair while he was away for 3 months but he said no. Am quite sure he did not. I just don't know what to do. How can I win my ex back knowing that he has fallen out of love and is pushing me away? Have you come across to something like this before? It just surprise me that after a year of living together then he comes and says such things that we are different and don't have things in common.
Sometimes when we have some time apart we think about the relationship and start to think it if it is something worth pursuing.
Sometimes people think that what is best is breaking up. In this situation it looks like he is not interested in the relationship. I have been in this situation and let me tell you, forcing it to continue can lead to a horrible break up and never talking to that person ever again. It can make it very difficult afterwards and it can hurt worse than before.
I don't think he had an affair, but he has had time to think about it and sometimes we can't change someone's mind. It isn't your fault, sometimes you get comfortable and you don't realise the love has gone from the relationship. You may still love him, but he doesn't love you back the same way.
You can ask him what it was that changed and how he all of a sudden does not love you anymore or the things you don't have in common have become an issue for him.
But in the end, if he wants to leave, you need to let him.
It will be very hard and difficult, but to leave it on a good term, you need to let him go if he wants to.
I am sorry about this, and there is no fun or easy way to end a relationship, especially when you are the one who wants it to continue, he may change his mind, but if he is set in his ways, let him go.
I hope this helps, and I am here if you have any further questions.