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Gay Life/To live as a gay


I hope I am asking at the right place because where I look I only find sites for gay dating and not places where to ask about living a gay life.
I am 18 years old and finishing school this year. My problems begun when my sister met and started dating a team mate of my brother. He is five years older than myself and we became good friends because I would watch him play and he was visiting us at home a lot as well. I should mention that my brothers and myself donít get along too well. From the time I was little I was taught to follow in the footstepís of my brothers. We come from an athletic family where to be a man means to be good at sport and even I am the youngest, there is much competition about who is the most talented and I am in their shadow having to complete with their glory.
This is the reason I got well with my sisterís BF, not feeling judged and under strain ect. It was good until the December holidays. He was staying over ahead of Christmas and me and him were having a long talk alone and he said he had to tell me a secret. Then he told me he is actually gay and he kissed me. I have known I am gay since 15 but never spoke to somebody about it until then or heard somebody confess it. It was a very big shock for me because people only speak of gays to make insults and nobody talk about having a gay life but rather it is denied.
After this time we were sexual together in secret until a week ago. I was in agreement with it because he was not sleeping with my sister, he was only dating with her because of the pressure from the guys and family. The problem is he ended the show with her and said he is gay. She was yelling to him and crying and my brothers pushed him out of the house when he tried to visit since. I have been commanded not to speak or visit him because gays arenít welcomed but they donít know about what me and him did. I can only send him messages and he gives his word he will not tell but he wants us to continue.
I give him my blessing that he wants to be free and open but I must be careful because I donít wish to be living in the street. I donít wish to get trapped because I am different from my brothers. If they find out there is no place for me at home or to play sport because there is no respect if you get to be seen as a gay.
I have nobody to ask except him to know what to do if to carry on or to stop.

Hey there Buthle

I can understand the pressures from your brothers and friends in wanting to succeed at something like sports, but you should not confuse being good at sports with being gay.  Many many sportsmen and women are gay.  They do not go around shouting about it, as your sexual orientation is private.  I am gay and was good at sports in school as well.  I played Rugby, and Tennis and I did athletics.  Begin gay is a lifestyle, being good at sports is a talent :-)  You can be both (or neither!)

As for this guy that you were with, the way he handled this was not really the correct way to go, although he certainly has the right to be himself.  He should not have lead anyone to believe he is straight, and if you think about it, maybe he did that JUST to get into the house to be with you?  Do you really want to be with someone that can lie so easily or twist the truth to get his way?

Be that as it may, if you really feel he is worth it, but you want to not come out yet, then it will certainly be difficult, but possible.  You just need to be careful how and where you meet, but I must tell you, it's really much easier to do this the right way, and that is to let your parents know (at least) that you are interested in other guys.  So many guys always tell me they are afraid of being chased out of the house, but parents do live their children in the end, more than they dislike homosexuality.  Unless you are in a unstable household (which I cannot deduce from your letter), you should be able to trust your parents (or one of them, if that's easier) to share this secret.  You will find that if you trust just one person with your secret, it becomes easier.  Why not try and tell a friend at least?  Every time you tell someone it becomes easier and after a while you will wonder why you were hiding it in the first place!

I think, you might not have totally accepted it yourself yet, that is why it's so scary still.  Being gay doesn't mean you have to go around dressing like a girl, flapping your hands and screaming and running at dust and spiders!  It means being yourself, like you rightfully can!  Even if your brothers or parents are angry in the beginning or if they say they can't understand 'where they went wrong' or 'why you are like this', they will eventually see that you are just yourself now, for the first time.

You don't have to take this road all at once, and right now, you can do it little by little and you don't have to do it alone.  Write to me at any time if you need to ask any thing.  This is your first stop at being yourself without having to lie or pretend!

Good luck Buthle


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Adriaan Pretorius


Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.


I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.

I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.

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