You are here:

Gay Life/Indecisive on Gay & Drag/Cross Dressing

Advertisement


Question
Hi I'm a 54 yr. old guy who has Cross Dressed since the age of 11 or 12 starting with my sister's things. I was the only boy and the youngest of 5, four sister's and my mother gave me a huge variety of wardrobe to choose from. I was at home allot by myself and used that time to doll up. By the age of 13 I had became very skilled with makeup, doing my hair, dressing and imitating my one sister. I went to first Gay bar at only 17 and went home with and slept with a guy. I've had way more Gay Sex than straight. Two failed marriages and close to third. I can't quit dressing or having desire for male's. My current wife has seen pictures of me in Drag, with other Cross Dressers, and men. She won't even kiss me and we don't touch. I have maintained a fa sad of a total different person to my family so I fear what they would think of me if I came out and, did Drag and lived a Gay life. What should I do other than continue to go crazy by living a double life?

Answer
Hi there Nikki

As you no doubt know, cross-dressing and being gay are two separate things.  You can enjoy woman's clothing, but be straight too!  In your case, as it sounds you're both, so the first question would be, why on earth have you married 3 times to a woman??  I can understand that you might not want to be out to family and friends, but it seems you're pretty open with your drag and your gay lifestyle, it begs the question still.

If you want to be truly happy, you need to be yourself.  Expressing yourself seems to be in your blood though, so why are you so hesitant to accept yourself when you're NOT dragging? :-)

So here is the thing. Start being who YOU, and stop being a version of what you think OTHERS want you to be. If you feel alive, and yourself, in a dress, then that is who you are and that who others should accept you as.  You see, currently everyone is accepting you as this other version, which you are not always pulling off quite as good as you think you are, and this makes other people uncomfortable.  On the other side YOU are not happy being this warped version.  It becomes a mess to maintain!  I think it would be much easier if you just became yourself, shifted out the people that don't accept you and then you can make friends (and even a lover) that would accept you for who you are.

I am stating is so straight-out as you are an established guy, with a full-speed-ahead kind of life, and I think you would be able to handle this change.

Also, it's quite unfair to your wife that she is married to a gay man, don't you think?  She has to constantly live with this challenge in her mind that she can never truly satisfy you completely.  And similarly she would know that you would always desire a man, when you're with her.

Family is a strange thing... you might be pleasantly surprised by their reaction!  Why don't you attempt this one family at a time.  Pick an 'easy' one and see how they take it?

You don't have to do all of this at once, you can take it at a pace that you feel comfortable with.  You also don't NEED to explain any of this to anyone.  What you do personally is in the end your own.  They just need to accept it, even if they don't like it :-)

Adriaan

Gay Life

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Adriaan Pretorius

Expertise

Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.

Experience

I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.

Education/Credentials
I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.