Gay Life/Threesome?

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Question
Hi,

So I have been with my boyfriend just under 2 years - I am 23 he is 24, we live together and have for the last year+.

Personally I think things are going great, we chat all the time and can enjoy those silent moments without any awkward feeling. I love him and he loves me.

But, when it comes to sex, he is really interested and wants it almost everyday.

Where as I can go a week with doing sex related things once and I am content, but he complains that I don't love him and that I have lost interest, which isn't true. I love him and still find him attractive. He often jokes about a bit, a hot guy will walk past and he will make a comment such as "I'd do him. HARD!" and I am fine with it, its all a bit of banter nothing more.

He suggested in passing a few months ago about doing a threesome with someone.

A random guy.

I think it would be exciting, someone new but I have this horrid thought in the back of my mind thinking that my partner could find me unattractive compared to another person in the bed with us. Having fallen into that comfortable situation and then adding someone new could cause us issues and that is what worries me.

I love him, but I can't keep up with doing it everyday or more than 2 times a week, I guess I am not built that way. That is why I was thinking about this whole, threesome idea.

What are your thoughts? Good idea to spice things up? Or a situation just waiting to tank?

Any advice would be very welcome.

Thank you

Answer
Hey Dan!

You have hit quite a few nails on the head in your letter, this tells me that you at least have the correct way of thinking about this.  Everything you said is of course valid and CAN happen and therein lies the issue.

If you and your partner get into a threesome, with the understanding that the other guy is just a 'sex toy' of sorts, then fine, do it, but I would not take on this extra burden if you have problems currently.  You say that things are 'great', but they are supposed to be awesome!  I have always said that if you need a crutch for anything, it means something is broken.  Why don't you first try to fix that before you add spice to the relationship?  The spice is supposed to ENHANCE the flavour, not to ADD the flavour :-)

If he is a physical guy and you a more patient guy, then this is something you need to bring up.  Surely he should have known this from the start, unless you gave him sex every day in order to please him?  This is unfair towards you both, as you cannot be yourself, and he was expecting something that you can't really give.

It's about mutual compromise sometimes.  If he needs it daily and you want it weekly, why not stick with 3 times a week, with other times you give him a 'hand' so to speak?  Find a common ground, that would please both, without making the one give more than the other is prepared to.  This goes for most in a relationship.

Also, sex is supposed to be about showing your partner how much you love him, it's an utterance of the intensity of love.  If you are just doing the 'mechanics' of sex to please your partner, then it's not a show of love.  You probably don't even enjoy it then, and it should be fun for both.  This is something he needs to understand as well.  If he is also just doing the physical deed, daily, then perhaps he has an addiction to it, instead of wanting to show love?

So, in short, I would suggest you first tell him your real feelings about the physical stuff.  If this is news to him, then you have a lot to talk about.  If he knew already, then you guys need a compromise that will fit both.  If you can reach this point and be awesome, then adding flavour like a threesome might be an exciting new adventure!

Good luck Dan!  Don't hesitate if you need to chat some more!

Adriaan

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Adriaan Pretorius

Expertise

Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.

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I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.

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I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.

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