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Gay Life/Uhh... how gay am I?


I'm really confused as to where I stand on the Kinsey scale. I'm a 20-year-old college student, and if we were walking down the hall and you asked me which of the random guy strangers I found attractive, I'd probably say that I'm at least a little bit attracted to 5060% of them (which seems like an oddly high percentage, right?). Conversely, if you asked me which girls I found myself attracted to, I'd probably say "none" or very few. That sounds pretty gay, doesn't it? Or at least mostly gay. But! The one person I have the absolute biggest crush on, who I've been attracted to for a very long time, is a woman! What the heck does that mean? If I were bi (even the "mostly gay" sort of bi), one would expect that if I found one woman super duper attractive, that I would find many other women at least a little bit attractive. But it's pretty much all dudes, for the most part. Maybe this one girl is just... whatever the gay/female version of a mancrush is called.

Relevant disclaimer: I've had zero romantic or sexual experience with anybody, annoyingly. Guy or girl. Which makes it even more difficult to put a decent confirmation on my sexuality.

I don't really even have a specific, answerable question. I guess I'm just curious as to how common or uncommon this scenario is for other young, confused people like myself.

Hi Will

I suppose if you were to say to me you find half the men in your college attractive and only one girl, i would probably assume you were bi or gay. However, it depends on what you mean by "attractive", really. Are you looking at the guys - or girl(s) - in a sexual way and/or fantasizing about having sex with them? Or are you just finding them aesthetically attractive?

Everyone can find a male or female aesthetically pleasing to look at, regardless of their own gender, without finding them sexually attractive. Some people (straight guys in particular, i find) are likely to insist they can't tell if another person of the same gender is attractive but will have no problem saying another person of the same gender is ugly, which is of course a contradiction. It's impossible to find something ugly or unattractive without being able to discern what is attractive in the first place. I personally find lots of women very attractive or beautiful to look at, but have zero desire to sleep with them.

Sexuality, in its most basic sense, comes down to who you want to sleep with and what turns you on. I think when you are sexually inexperienced, it can be quite confusing to fully understand your own desires. It's something you can really only answer for yourself. With some people, they find they know what they want or are interested in from an early age, with others it's more hit or miss and they have to experiment a bit.

Society likes to categorize everything, but sexuality is very diverse and it doesn't always fit into the standards of "gay", "straight" or "bi". You don't appear to be overly concerned about what your sexuality might be, so my advice would be to just do what you feel is right for yourself and what you feel comfortable with and to not rush into anything. Until you actually experience sex it's difficult to know how you feel about it. One thing I learned from the start was to never accept or reject something based purely on another person's experience, as what's right for them may be wrong for you and vice versa.

Apologies for the delay in answering.


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Questions relating to coming out to friends and family, social issues, issues in the workplace, relationship issues, issues relating to gay life in general. Issues relating to gay sex, protection and sexually transmitted infections and worries about first time gay sex. I can also answer questions in relation to being gay and religion.


I am a 30 year old gay man and have been out since I was 15 at high school. Although I am not religious, I attended Catholic schools and have experience dealing with pressures religion can place on a gay person. I have a wide variety of friends from all different backgrounds, races, sexualities, religions, etc. I have also had several relationships, am sexually experienced and have an understanding of relationship issues and dilemmas, sexual issues and experience of the gay scene. Although I have plenty of experience of the gay scene, I am not personally interested/involved in it anymore. Most of my current friends are actually straight males and I'm not particularly involved in any scene at all. Therefore, I can quite easily talk to guys about issues they would rather not associate with "gay" - confusion, bi-curious issues and just normal uncertainties men might have. I have no promblem discussing issues with anyone regardless of sexuality or gender, etc. (within reason of course).

Occupation - NHS Scotland (National Health Service Scotland) - part-time. Part-time study.

Currently studying BA Honours in English Language & Literature and have previously studied Psychology at university level. Four A's at Higher level Psychology, Sociology, Philosophy and English.

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