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Gay Life/Relationship issue


Hello Tedd,
I really want some inputs on what should I do, I'm in a confusing situation.
So, there is this guy from my school who had a huge crush on me. We both sat in the same hall during my finals and that started our conversation, i come to find out that he is indeed a sweet guy.
We stopped talking for a while, but somehow he got my number and started texting, we got into talking, we sometimes talked whole night through and sometimes we went a couple of weeks without talking. He started giving me hints that he liked me, i liked him too back then as a friend. But then everything tipped over, he stzrted acting weird saying i shouldatleast text him thrice a day, thats the least i can do, he started calling me at around midnight and said he was crazy for me and stuffs. I didnt stop him, i was kind of liking the feeling of being in love or should i say i was flattered, but theres the thing that i am not sexually attracted to him. I dont mean to be a bigot or a body shammer or anything but he is on the heavier side, and he talks a little feministically and i cant picture myself with someone like that. Am i internally conflicted with  stereotypes, am i bigotted?
On our birthday(we both share our birthday on may1) I decided to tell him that i dont feel the way, he does about me, he was shattered, i didnt say a word about his physique though, i know he hates his gain of weight, and i was the one who helped him get comfortable in his own skin. He says he loves me for that. I just didnt wanted him to spend him wasting him tym in daydreaming instead of studying, he has a tendency to do that and he is in his graduating class.
Okay, so the major thing, this past few days, I just want to start my own family, i want to fall in love, marry someone, have kids, so much so that i am thinking of calling him and talking to him freely, i know he would talk to me.
It all started upon hearing maroon 5's song, 'It was always you', all i could think about during the entire song was him. Infact, i have been starting to search shirtless pics of men on heavier side and i find them remotely sexual. I have no idea of love , relationship or anything, i was a nerd all throughout my life.
So, my questions are too many,
1. Am I a bigot or is he just not my type?
2. Am I taking him for granted?
3. Am i desperate and needy because it is hard as it is to find respectable gay guys in India who dont want just sex?
4. Am i in love? Or am i being really selfish
5. What should i do, i dont want to loose him as a friend
6. what should i do with my life in general?

Thank you,
basic info:
age 25, location Kolkata, India, occupation PhD fellow.

Hi Jyoti

First of all, we all tend to have types that we are attracted to and not attracted to. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you don't find someone physically attractive. That happens. But at the same time, it sounds like you're open to expanding what you're comfortable with in terms of body shapes you might find attractive. Very often, someone who is very kind and sweet and funny and who has all those great personality qualities, can be attractive even though they may not be your physical ideal. I would explore that and see if your attraction grows. If it doesn't, accept it for what it is and be honest with him. But at least give it a chance.

I don't think you're being needy or selfish. Relationships are complicated and messy and they don't always play by the rules. The most important thing is to be honest with each other, even if it may hurt.

I hope that helps!


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Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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