Gay Life/Confused

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Question
I'm a discreet, masculine, attractive guy in my early 30s. I met a handsome guy on grindr months ago. We've been chatting off and since April of this year. He knows I'm discreet and has never seen my face. We seemed to have had quite a bit in common. I've very muscular and he's seen my body on my pics, minus my face. Couple of weeks ago, he asked me if I'd like to hookup with him. I was excited, considering how attracted I was to this guy. We agreed to meet somewhere first to have a beer and talk. When he got there, I was sitting at the bar. He seemed pleased with me, & I told him how handsome he was in person. He said I was too. We seemed to get along fine the entire time. He came across as being a bit nervous. He told me in an earlier conversation on grindr months ago that he was ADHD. I don't know a lot about ADHD or what to expect from somebody with it. ADHD was never brought up at all when we were at the bar. I'm just letting you know this in case ADHD played a part in him being nervous. He barely drank, and I picked up the tab. We left & he followed me back to my house. After getting to my house, I asked if he was ready, & he said let's just chill for a minute. He even brought in his bag that had poppers, dildos and condoms. He then came up with this lane story about getting a text on the way over to my house about his nephew being lactose intolerant and becoming sick after drinking milk. I knew this was all bs, but I didn't want to push it or call him a liar. He then said he had to leave and go back home to take his nephew to the hospital. This guy lives approximately 30 miles from where I live, & you can track somebody's whereabouts if they're on grindr. After leaving, he was still in a 4 mile radius even an hour after leaving my home, so I know he didn't go back home a d that his story was an excuse to leave. I didn't attempt to contact him because I knew he was looking for a reason to leave. He eventually blocked me on grindr, but since I favorited his profile, the profile did not completely block. He kept checking out my profile, and I kept checking his. I've got my pride and am not contacting this guy after dipping on me and trying to block my profile. I know this is probably tmi, but I'm curious what went wrong. Why agree to follow me back to my home, bring in your bag of toys to my home, then make up some lame excuse just to leave? Since he's ADHD, I don't know of that played a part or not. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Mike,

After reading this my first instinct and thought was that maybe he just got nervous when it came down to finally going home with you.

That being said, it certainly seems as though he came "prepared" to sleep with you since he brought condoms and toys. But maybe he did that assuming you were experienced and maybe he wasn't. Maybe he got scared when it finally came down to performing.

I would suggest just asking him honestly what happened. Don't ask him in a judgmental or accusatory way but more in a compassionate way. He may not be as experienced or "out" as he says he is and this might be causing him some anxiety.  

It sounds like you both had some things in common and if it is a relationship you truly care about pursuing then honesty would be the best way to approach it. Just talk to him and ask him what is going on. He may have just stopped at a friends house to talk about what happened when you noticed he didn't go right home.

Blocking you may have just been example of him being afraid to let the relationship get any closer if he was in fact getting nervous.

Talk to him and let him know you would be okay going at a slower pace and not just jumping into bed right away. That is if you truly would like a meaningful relationship with him. If you are just looking for someone to sleep with then maybe he isn't the one for you. But if you want something more substantial in a relationship and he is someone you think you can have that with then he would be worth hanging onto.

Talk to him openly about that meeting and ask him what was really going on. If he was nervous and admits it then you can move on from there. If he just wasn't interested then at least you will know that too.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness,
Gary  

Gay Life

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Gary

Expertise

I can answer questions about coming out as well as dealing with the death of a partner or spouse. I am very compassionate and caring and will often rely on my own life experiences of coming out and loss of a loved one to help others. Losing someone you love is never easy and being in a gay relationship can often add to that feeling of isolation and loneliness.

Experience

I have worked closely with Mass Equality to fight for the right for people of all genders and lifestyles to get married. I have also participated in many LGBT Grief Support Groups.

Organizations
Gay Men's Bereavement Group

Education/Credentials
BA- English-Sociology-Psychology I year - New England School of Law

Awards and Honors
National Honor Award for Bereavement and Grief

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