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Gay Life/I think my boyfriend has HOCD


Hi Tedd,

I hope you're well. I'm writing to you because I'm very concerned about my boyfriend. We've been dating for 3 years now and we have this lovely/nurturing relationship that we both value a lot. However, my boyfriend is a very anxious person. He started feeling anxiety at the age of 14. I also have to mention that in high school, he went out with this girl who humiliated him a lot. She'd tell him in front of everyone to leave a party because she'd want to hook up with another guy and stuff like that. We all know how cruel kids can be This being said, my boyfriend was so hurt (that's what he explained to me) that at some point, he started enjoying being made fun of. He would also try his sister's underwear, masturbate to male pornography and fantasize about men because he thinks it's somehow demeaning. Mind you, my boyfriend is not homophobic at all.. He his a very respectful and kind person. So, basically, whenever he starts feeling anxious, one way to cope with the feeling is to be made fun of by women, and having homosexual relations. But after each time something like this happens, he feels ashamed, doesn't want to talk about it and feels guilty.. If he's really bisexual, and this isn't just a way of coping with his anxiety, I want hims to just accept himself.

I think I can relate to his irrational thoughts because I had severe bulimia for many years and my head was filled with "crazy" thoughts all the time.. And deep down I feel like what he's feeling resembles to how I used to feel.. He's also be suffering from severe depression which i think might be caused by his thoughts getting in the way of his daily life..  So this is my question, do you think he's coping with anxiety or is he actually bisexual? He's told me several times that he isn't romantically attracted to men.. And that he's only ever loved women. Does it sound like he has HOCD or paraphilia?

Thanks in advance,


Thank you for the wealth of details you provided. This certainly helps in understanding the situation. It sounds like you are really good for each other, and have a strong, nurturing and understanding relationship. This is healthy for both of you.

To me, it sounds like he does have some serious self-esteem issues that probably are NOT healthy, but as long as he's finding ways to cope and manage his anxieties, then that may be okay. And as long as you are understanding and supportive of his coping mechanisms, that may be okay too. Clearly, your relationship and his sexuality is rather more fluid than the norm, but we're not all the same. There is a spectrum of human sexuality and some people fall within a more narrow range of that spectrum, while others are perfectly comfortable living in a wider range. Sounds like he's one of those. As I said, as long as you're both okay with that, and continue to find the relationship beneficial, supportive and loving, I don't think there's a problem.

I hope that helps,


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Tedd Adams


I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.

AVISO: También, puedo responder a preguntas en español.


I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above. I have also been active in the local chapter of PFLAG.

Human Rights Campaign Oklahomans for Equality Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano

Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).

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