AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 6000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
Experience Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.
BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.
Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.
Expert: Azure Date: 7/2/2008 Subject: Is it bad to "NEED" the person you love?
Question Hello!
My name is Mallory and I am currently in a relationship that has become pretty serious. I'm falling SOOO in love with my boyfriend and lately, we've been discussing our future together. I'm 24 years old (and I know I'm still young), but I am not the kind of girl just "out to have a good time"... I honestly believe (believed?) that my boyfriend and I were on the same page until he told me that he "didn't want our relationship to be one where we NEEDED to talk to each other." He said that he wanted to be able to function whether I'm around or not and he doesn't want his feelings to interfere with his work... To sum it up, he said that he didn't want to NEED me. He wants to stay independent so if something were to happen, it wouldn't make too much of a difference. I asked him what that was supposed to mean and he basically left it at just that. As for me, I took it as he doesn't need me in his life and if that's the case, then he doesn't truly want out relationship to go further... If you were in a relationship with someone and they said that, how would YOU take it??? I believe that when one is in a SERIOUS relationship they should maintain their independence, but at the same time it's okay to "need" the other person!! My boyfriend was married once four years ago and his ex-wife cheated on him. I think he feels this way because he is afraid of being hurt again, so he protects himself by putting up his guards. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I want our relationship to go further and I thought he wanted the same until this happened... I already discussed this with him and he hasn't given me much more, so what now? Please help me! THanks
Mallory
Answer both positions may be understandable, plus, you're dealings with words that can be ambiguous, so these ideas would do well to be better defined, fully discussed, see what they mean in PRACTICAL terms; alot of times it's matter of degree--we all have needs that we look to have met thru significant others--that doesn't mean we're "needy" or insecure; the advice: as you inferred, this verbiage may just be ego protective posturing aimed at deluding himself into thinking he's "hurtproof"; unless you're seeing actual BEHAVIORAL changes indicating a more independent/less involved philosophy, i wouldn't be overly concerned..still, it wouldn't hurt to discuss the topic from non-emotional positions--it may be that once understood in lieu of the above, and "needs" are more clearly defined/admitted to, separated from "neediness", all you had was an issue of semantics...
