Expert: Nafeesah - 1/23/2009

Question
ok so this summer  i started working with this guy who is 19 (im 17)  and after a few times on the same shift, i sort of developed a little crush on him. over the next 6 months nothing really happened and i was just too shy to say anything to him. so finally i built but the courage to say something and it worked out better than i had hoped it would and we were 'together' for a few months after that. we didnt call each other boyfriend girlfriend...we were just kinda together...not committed it was nice.

im a senior in high school and he just left for college a few weeks ago and both of us knew that neither of us could really deal with one of us being in college and the other leaving in about 7 months for college somewhere else so we knew we wouldnt be together after he left.

before he left, we only hung out once in a 3 week period and he just didnt seem too interested so i kinda backed down. we just agreed..kinda to stay friends because he never just ditches out on a person, if he knows you think you are good friends, he will never fuck you over and never make you feel like you dont exist. i thought i would just move on and date other guys but thats not how it ended up at all.  

we have a texting relationship and have the majority of our convos over text. i cant get him off my mind and i find my self constantly (daily) sitting at home thinking 'oh i wonder if he will text me today'. i dont want to be the one to text him usually for two reasons: i dont want to look too easy,desperate or that im trying to hard to get him to even think of me. and for reassurance ....when he does text me on his own it makes me feel better that he was thinking of me.

then finally, today he texted me out of no where asking me how i was and we spoke a little and that was all. we hadnt spoke in about 2 weeks straight and before that about 3 times in three weeks. BUT today, he didnt seem too interested in our convo, but if he wasnt then he wouldnt have texted me in the first place. right?  

i really feel a big connection between us though. if i didnt i wouldnt be freaking out about every move i make! i havent ever been so nervous around a guy before. i had a bf of three years before this sort of relationship and never felt anything close to how im feeling now. hes never had a girlfriend just people "like me". he never saw the point in high school relationships (i dont really either, its kind of like a fun game) so he just spent his whole high school career with his friends at parties and CONSTANTLY drinking. he got arrested twice for it and thats why he wasnt in college his first semester. he stayed completely sober for 8 months and that shows me he can commit to something (if he really needs to at least). i asked him how he is adapting that atmosphere and he said its been "CRAZY! unbelievably crazy and it feels like its non stop" which doesnt sound like hes taking the drinking thing slowly. Also, he is REALLY big on his friends. He would chose his friends over a girl any freakin day of the week, which makes sense because he hasnt ever seen any other world...not ever having a gf he has to commit to that is.

so how do i get him to a level of liking me again and constantly wanting to know how i am, etc? i want to do it in a very discrete way if possible and it needs to involve texting. one thing he did like though is sending naughty pics over text...but the last time i asked him for one myself, he either didnt read the text, ignored me on purpose, or just didnt want to take one (hes kinda self conscious).  i know he likes it when i talk good about his physical features though because of him being so self conscious, i actually think hes kinda shocked i think that hes hot and attractive.

with so many distractions like drinking friends and girls i feel like there isnt even any chance and to give up. but like i said before...i know something is here, something feels different and it doesnt feel right not trying to be with him. i know that since he didnt have a gf ever before, why would he have one now? so im not too really worried about him liking someone at college. honestly, i think he would just eventually end up comparing them to me...saying/thinking something like "she was funnier than her" or " when i did this, _____ would act like this and not how shes acting"

So sorry for this being so long, but i want you to get the whole idea and a good background of our "relationship". i feel like every word i use matters in a way to him though. if i say one thing, it would give him the wrong signals and him being a guy, he wouldnt 2nd think it and just take it the wrong way.


but my question to you is how can i get him to think about me more during college cuz there are a lot of things there to distract him. i dont know for sure if he likes me but i dont want to just flat out ask him. i knew he used to around November (from a text reading "i think i have a crush on you :-)" after our first PERFECT date) but idk if his feelings have changed or whatever. i know we cant date because of the college thing but how can i move my way up to being how it was with us before where we were kinda together? im not too shy and pretty straight forward but i cant just say something too bluntly to him. hes really a judgmental person. i dont want him to feel annoyed with me so i just dont text him for a long time until he texts me usually...sometimes this works and sometimes it doesnt. playing hard to get with him works like 70% of the time.


BUT all in all, we get along SOOOO well when we're together its crazy and whenever i see him i still get butterflies and i think he is perfect inside and out. i just think of how cute he is, how he makes me laugh (no one else had made me laugh like this b4) and how great it feels when he kisses me or touches me at all. i dont think its love, but i  think its something. i want to know how to get him to start thinking about liking me and how to get the thought of me back into his head so when he comes back into town to visit, ill be one of the first he texts to try to hang out.

my biggest fear is that this was all just a waste of my time and he just wanted someone for the time being. i dont think thats how it is, and i never want to find out thats how it is. i feel like i need to do something to get the spark back up. i know there is something there between us, and if it has to wait until after we both get out of college to "really" start then so be it. i just want him to start thinking of me again and texting me more constantly..not every 2 weeks. ..i just dont want to be that younger girl that looks like shes obsessed with an older guy. and one more thing, how can i get him to start opening up to me more to  say things like he likes me and blah blah.hes really not to straight forward with me so i have no idea what he thinks (but i dont want to just bluntly ask him that wont feel right...or work at all)..so...help? please tell me very honestly what you think i should do i can take hard advice

Answer
Here's the thing we as women try to change guys, but the thing is we have to stop trying to change people including men. Your boyfriend seems like he doesnt have his head wound right with getting arrested repeatedly.Playing games doesnt work and I can say that from having seen how it backfired on people I know. The thing with guys is that many of them are going to be immature in college so that's to be expected for someone who's 19 years old. If he's texting and/or calling every two weeks why would you want to waste your time with a guy who can't even make time for you.

It's like he's penciling you in to see you when he feels like it. Don't let some dude micromanage you into his life, a man who's serious about you will make time for you and not pencil you in like an appointment to the doctor. You say that your fear is that this is a waste of time. Let me give you a lightbulb on that one.....YES THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A WASTE OF YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't need to be with this guy anyway he sounds like a total loser. You may get along, but I am looking at how he's treating you by what you wrote and to me you can do better than this clown.

He may make you feel great, but he's not thinking about you while he's in college he's thinking and wanting other girls. I wouldnt waste anymore time with him. He's busy having fun in college and having a serious girlfriend is not on his high list of priorities at 19. If he was serious about you he will make time to call, text, email and see you on a regular basis. By the fact that he only contacts you every two weeks says a lot about what's really on his mind and I don't like saying it, but you're not one of the things he's thinking about if he can't call, email, or text on a regular basis instead of sporadically every two weeks.

College is a busy time, but students do make time to have a life and even when I was in college I made time to have a boyfriend. When I saw that the guy was just penciling me in like an errand I let him go. If he was serious about me he will take the time to contact me in person, phone, and email. A real guy that cares about you will make time to contact you even with a busy schedule even if its just to drop an email to say hello and how are you or even a simple short note to say I love you.Don't be some guy's option when there are lots of other guys out there who are not jerks and will make time for a nice girl like you.