Expert: Behavior, Conflict and Relationships - 10/20/2009

Question
So, I broke up with this girl. I told her I needed to move on, that after everything I tried to do after our first fight, the apologies, the proving I loved her, all I got from her was nothing. Honestly, after talking to a lot of people, my therapist, friends, I discovered it was nothing more than a lover's quarrel, but she made it seem like I'd committed adultery and shot her dog. It was so blown out of proportion, I couldn't believe it. She criticized me, always called me selfish and self-centered, made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, and that nothing I did mattered. This went on for two months until I just couldn't take it. She was being sweet for a week, then we saw each other, and she just started criticizing me again. I told her I didn't appreciate it, that I didn't criticize her, and then she called me too sensitive. She is completely heartless. I told her I thought it was pretty pathetic to constantly monitor my every move through myspace and facebook, and I told her I was sick of the whole thing, that she needed help, and I broke off all contact. Now, she's emailing my friends, which are a lot, and she says stuff like, "I'm not sure how much Brandon's poisoned you against me." I think its funny, because she doesn't have any friends at all. I got upset with her and told her I didn't find it very surprising she didn't have any friends considering she treated everyone like dirt. My friends know enough about her, but she is obviously unstable. Part of me really wishes I could help her. Part of me just wants to be strong enough to walk away completely and not say a word, feed the fire, or let this get the best of me. God, it's the ugliest situation I've ever been through with a woman. I just want some total closure, but I still care so much about her.  Is this a common thing in relationships, after its over?

Answer
Hi Brandon,

You convey so much emotion -- pain and confusion primarily -- in your letter. That you still have feelings for her shows you once had something good. But the sad fact is the poison in the relationship soon drowned all the good to the point you have one sour interaction going on.

I often tell women telling me about bad dudes two things:

1. When people show you who they are -- believe them. The first time.

2. The best predictor of future behavior is...past behavior.


This girl has some issues Brandon. She's a mess. A manipulator, highly critical, not in control of her emotions and when she gets upset and gets called on her behavior she becomes so uncomfortable in her skin that the defensiveness leads to twisting and disguising truth to the point where she's creating her own reality, not to be confused with what everyone else sees.

So botton line -- every time you expose yourself to the source of the toxin, i.e. her, you are going to risk feeling upset. Getting away from her, trying to heal from the dysfunction of it all and allowing yourself to be attracted to and pursue other girls is the prescription.

Remember the good times but also remember you can't fix her. Only she can fix herself and that will only happen when she's experienced enough pain from her behavior. It could be years. Or never. You wanting to help is noble but this is all up to her. Maybe when she sees she's driving people away from her with the selfishness and delusion, she might seek help.

For you, if you must interact with her, be kind hearted but detached beyond that and then stay away from her -- she'll only bring you down. Then focus on your life and keep your eyes open for emotionally stable women.

Wish you healing and a fresh start. Good things are ahead of you, not in the rear view mirror.

Michael
soon to be Michael's Quick Help (site being built)