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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > Confused about her behavior

General Dating Questions - Confused about her behavior

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/29/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Neder. Ok. My problem involves a woman I met last summer. Here's some background info. I was 41 when we met and she was 27 (letting you know that because it may be important info). I was in the process of separating from my wife when we met. I also have a 4 year old daughter. Again, possibly important info. The woman I'm writing about had a break-up with her fiancee about 2 months prior to us meeting. That may be a relavant fact as well. You would know better than I.

Anyway, I'm a friend of this woman's younger sister and was invited to a bar crawl for her birthday. The older sister (the 27 year old) and I had an almost instant spark. We were joking, flirting, and teasing each other. I "separated" her from the group. We went to another bar and drank a bit too much. Started making out and eventually walked back to her apartment. I spent the night and we "hooked up". She gave me the usual "I never do this" line. Haha! Girls are funny. Anyway, there was an incredibly intense physical connection.

The next day she called me when I was at work. Said she couldn't stop thinking about the previous night. She asked me to come over. I had an appointment coming in, so I told her I would call as soon as I was done. She "joked" about how I would lose out if I didn't go now. I told her she could wait. She also "joked" about how she would just be using me and I should expect nothing more. When I called back a couple hours later, she got cold feet. She also was feeling guilty because, in her words, she didn't want to be a home wrecker. I assured her that my wife and I were not intimate anymore and that my relationship was, for all intents and purposes, over. We texted back and forth that day. It was like she was on the fence. Just when it seemed she wanted to get together, she would retreat. We never got together that day.

Anyway, we texted over the next couple weeks. Finally, we ended up going out. A good friend of mine and her sister also went out with us. We had some drinks. Had fun. Then went back to her house and had what I would describe as amazing sex. Our sexual chemistry and compatability was seriously off the charts. We talked about our situations, our breakups, etc. She had had zero passion with her ex. She said it got to the point that even when he did want sex, she didn't really want to. At least not with him. Similar to the problems with my ex. She was being distant with him, so he said he wanted to end it if she didn't change. She sort of called his bluff and they broke up. At that time, we both thought that we just would have a physical relationship. We felt that we both ended relationships with no passion and this is what we needed right now. We were basically like rabbits. Like I said, we are extremely compatibile in that department. My ex, although a wonderful person, was very inhibited in that department. Not the only problem in my marriage, but a big one.

Anyway, it turned into much more. We dated for several months. The sex was still off the charts. She would even tell me I set her new benchmark for great sex. I felt the same...and I've been around the block. But we also had an incredible amount of fun together. We just had fun being with each other. She would tell me that we just "get" each other. We would talk to each other about how amazing the chemistry was(it was). We had the same sense of humor. We would get each other's jokes when nobody else did. We saw the world the same way and had a lot in common. We had great conversations. It was serious lust and infatuation, but we both could see it was headed for more. She would text me at all hours. Sometimes the messages were sexual. Sometimes she just texted to say she missed me and wished we could be together. Sometimes just to tell me about her day. Eventually she told me she loved me. I held back at first. I told her she might be rebounding from her previous relationship or might be confusing love with lust. She insisted she knew how she felt. We talked about me being older and having a child. She said that age difference problems only exist in people's minds and it wasn't a problem for her (BTW, I look younger than my age and tend to attract 25-35 year olds. Both a blessing and a curse. Lol.). I asked if my having a child would be a problem for her. She said she had never dated a man with a child before, but was willing to try. She said the only problem was that I was still married. Anyway, eventually I told this woman I loved her too. I thought I was cautious. I am experienced enough and have made enough mistakes in life to know (at least I thought) if someone really feels the way they say they feel. We definitely had an amazing connection and I really fell for her. Things were great... for a while.

Eventually this woman said she didn't think I would go though with getting a divorce. I actually was, at first, conflicted about divorce because of my love and concern for my daughter. This woman knew that. She didn't pressure me at all to get divorced, but she said she wanted to end things with me. She said it sucked that we were not ending things for the reasons people normally do. She said I was the perfect guy for her. She just didn't think my separation would be ever be permanent. She said she wanted it all. Obviously I was hurt.

However, over the next couple months she kept texting and occasionally calling. "I miss you", "I just want us to be together", "I think about you all the time", "I love you", etc. She also sent the usual sexual texts. And she would also send "random" texts... the "just an excuse to contact you" types. I would ask her out and she would agree but find a way to always back out. It was like a cat and mouse game. Eventually she agreed to meet for dinner. She was nervous at first. She said she had thought I might not show up considering all the "flip-flopping" she had done on me. The spark was still there. We went back to her apartment and made out. But she said we couldn't do more. On my drive home she texted that she wished I was in bed with her.

Eventually, we started a sexual relationship again. It lasted about 1-2 months. The last time I was with her, I spent the night with her and the next day hanging out with her and her sister (who is also her roommate). It was great. But something felt different. She was a little distant. I felt bad. I had that weird feeling in my gut. When I got home I texted her that I sensed something was wrong and that she wasn't "all there" with me. I said I knew something was wrong, that it may be the same problem as before for her, or something else she won't tell me. I told her how much I cared about her, but that at this point in the relationship I wanted "all" of her. I said I knew she felt she couldn't give me that, so we should stop. The problem was I really fell for her, but I just couldn't take the emotional roller coaster she had me on anymore. The next day she texted "I love you, but you're right. It has to end". I felt awful.

So that was the last time we were together. 10 months ago!(I know). A couple months later my separation became final. But this woman still wouldn't see me. So obviously there was always some other reason she wouldn't tell me. I sensed she was very surprised that I went through with ending my marriage. Maybe this is when she faced some of her other issues about us being together? In other words, maybe my relationship status was the easier excuse for her and she didn't have to face some of her other concerns. I don't know. Possibly you have some ideas on that. But she continued the texts. "I miss you, I just want us to be together, you ruined me..in a good way", etc. She would tell me she wanted to see me, make plans, then make up an excuse to not see me. Her old pattern. The messages stopped for a short while. I heard she was dating a guy but it didn't work because the guy was "clingy" and "needy". Her messages started up again. Then, about 6 months ago, a friend told me she got on Match.com. Her profile basically described me as the type of guy she wanted. However, her profile said she was looking for "never married and no kids" as her status option for the man she wants. And her max age was slightly younger than me (which may mean nothing).

I did run into her one afternoon at a bar several months ago. I went up to her group, said hi to her and her friends, I gave her a quick hug, said something funny that made her friends laugh, and excused myself. She was nervous. About 10 minutes later she left the bar without her friends. That night she started texting me that she hadn't beed prepared to see me and that she was in bed and imagining that we were together having a beer, having sex, then falling asleep together.

The texting continued for months. She would sometimes drunk dial or text saying she wanted me and wanted me to come over right then and there. I heard for while she was dating a new guy (presumably from Match) and he even met her parents. Her messages stopped. Then would start up again. While she was out there dating (she didn't know I knew she was on Match) she would text things like "You ruined me, the only way I can get myself off is by thinking about you, etc.". Same old pattern. Once, when I asked her out, she made an excuse that she had plans that day. So I said "Fine, then let's get together the following day". No immediate response. 5 days later on a Fri night she texts asking me why we didn't get together that week. I didn't respond immediately, so she texted "so are you anti meeting up now?". WTF!! I finally texted back. But she still wouldn't commit to seeing me. She just sort of retreated again.

So the same pattern continued. But as time went on her texts became less frequent. I texted her that the connection I felt with her was amazing, but I understood she was looking for something different. I told her I would be here as a friend if she ever wanted that. Her response was "Hey. I love you for saying that".

A while after that her texts stopped. Weeks passed. I sent an email. It was long, but I basically told her how I felt about her. Told her I had no hard feelings towards her, life goes on, and that I hope she found whatever it is she was looking for. I told her I never understood why she flip-flopped, sent mixed messages, and wouldn't tell my why she wouldn't see me, etc. I said it didn't matter anymore (what the reason was), and I wished her the best. She sent me an IM the next day saying she wanted to chat. She said she was touched by my email. She said she still thinks about me, but wishes she didn't. She said that she feels the same as I do...that she thought we had amazing chemistry, that the sex was great, that we just "get" each other, and that she had fun with me and loved just being with me. She said the only difference was how we each responded to our feelings (no idea WTF that means!). I asked her why she "responded" differently. She avoided answering that. She said she had to get back to work.

Fast forward 5 weeks (this would bring us to about 6 weeks ago). I hadn't heard from her for those 5 weeks and I didn't contact her. I dated a couple girls. I was really starting to get over her. But out of the blue I get a text on the first NFL weekend from her. She asked if I remembered the first NFL weekend last year. We had spent all day in bed watching football, drinking beer, and having sex (see why I'm so into this girl. Haha). I said "yes, we had some good times" and I asked how she was. She said work sucked and was consuming her life. She asked how I was. I told her about some of the fun things I had been doing. She texted "Cool. Have fun". She immediately texted again to apologize for the bitter text. She texted that she "just really misses what we fuckin had together". She then mentioned that her sister wasn't home. We texted a bit more and then she texted "Again, I'm alone in bed with a beer. The only difference from last year is I'm not naked and sweaty with you". I texted "That's a problem that could easily be solved". She said she knew I was going to say that, but she didn't invite me over. I should have just said "I'm on my way", but this girl had me so confused due to her "all over the board" behavior over the past months. I sent some texts about having sex with her. But I had let my guard down with her too many times before and I just didn't want to get burned again. Hours later she texted "Here's the thing. I miss everything. Not just the sex". Then she called me. She seemed nervous and didn't know what to say. I was nice but cool. It's like she was expecting something. She kept reminiscing. I remember her saying it was "funny" how I texted that we had some good times. I replied that I meant we had lot of fun together. She agreed. She talked about something reminded her of me, how she found some condoms in her night stand that I had brought over once. She kept saying "say something". I reminded her that she called me. She said she didn't think I was going to pick up. Before hanging up she hesitated and then said "I guess I'll talk to you later". I told her that she knew how to reach me. I did, later that week, text her that I missed spending time with her and would love to see her again. No response to that.

Since then some IMs and texts. She did spill her guts to me a couple weeks ago about being miserable at work. I was supportive at first. She said she was going to quit. She told me about her plans, options, etc. I asked if she would like to meet up. She said yes but she needed a few days to recover from the previous weekend (Vegas trip). When I asked again a couple days later, I gave her a couple dates that worked for me. She again said she would meet me but needed to get through the work week. I finally, a couple days later, sent an IM to her that she could let me know if she was ever actually serious about getting together. At that point I was both supportive and a little cold at the same time. I was a little condecsending when chatting about her problems and unhappiness with her work. I was pissed off. A few days later I IMed and apologized for being a little cold/rude. I said it was probably due to the past "stuff". She said "no worries" and that it was probably stuff she had already told herself anyway. She apologized for inviting me to her "pity party". I told her there was no need to apologize and I was there if she wanted to talk about stuff. She said she was fine now, etc. I sensed she regretted opening up to me about her problems and looking vulnerable. She had even told me how she went home and cried one day after work. All of this was via IM by the way. Anyway, she "retreated" again and is now in the "distant" cycle.

We have IMed a few times since. Just casual stuff. Joking around a bit. Last contact was about three weeks ago.

Your take on this? Input? Advice? Advice I have received so far is that she is conflicted but is attracted to me and has strong feelings for me, but there is somenthing about us together that, in her mind, isn't right or won't work. And for whatever reason, she won't tell me what it is.

Obviously this girl really got to me. I'm not naive and I have dated a lot. I have had my heart broken and have had to break hearts(in as caring a way possible). But in the past I have always been able to look back at an unsuccessful relationship and clearly see what really was going on or what went wrong. But this one has me stumped. I have theories. Me having a kid, age difference, her having a different idea in her head of what Mr. Right is. But I'm honestly confused. I have asked her to just tell me. I have told her that I would honestly understand and would accept her reasons. I have told her, no matter what her reasons, that I would not think she was shallow. I have told her that knowing what was going on would help me and I would respect her for her honesty. This only makes her retreat again. Any help would be appreciated. She got off Match about 3 weeks back (hid her profile from viewers). Strangely, she did this right after we finished an IM conversation. We chatted a bit the following week. I didn't ask her out again. I just played it cool. Haven't heard from her in a couple weeks. She got back up on Match this week.

I have experienced many relationships. Just nothing quite like this. Pieces of the story seem like classic situations. Getting played, she's just not that into you, she's was just into the physical part but not strongly emotionally connected, etc. But when you look at the entire story from beginning to end, it seems so strange. Thank you very much for your help.

Answer
Hello Mark!

I'm sorry dude, I simply don't have the time to read this huge, long message! Remember: you only have to write it once, but I have hundreds of these to go through every single day!

I just skimmed a few things here and I see "text" and "IM" all over the place. Let me assure you that it's about a 99% likelihood that your problems with this (or any) girl are because of texting. Texting KILLS relationships - dead.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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