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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.

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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > Staying with girlfriend

General Dating Questions - Staying with girlfriend

Expert: Azure - 10/31/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
I am a guy from California living in Mexico, and my girlfriend is a Mexican. We met and started dating a year and a half ago. I moved in with her a year ago. She is 40 and I am 55.
At that time I was married and wanting to be divorced. My girlfriend knew this from the beginning. After 4 months of living together, she wanted to break up because I had not said anything definite about divorce. Fair enough. She still called me all the time, but a month later she started seeing another guy. I told her I was getting a divorce, she said she was seeing someone else. I quit calling her. She kept calling but I didn't respond, I was heartbroken.6 months later I accepted her invitation to dinner. We both admitted that we really love each other. I moved back in with her, but...she had been seeing another guy who had been gone fom Mexico for 3 months and was coming back this month. She is wearing a ring he gave her. But she does not want to marry him. Now...She asked me to move out, so he could move in. He is living there. She asked me to promise to stay with her while she figures out what to do. She must have made some promise to this guy, but won't tell me. She says she loves me, and she is still having sex with me.(not him, she says) She won't tell me what she plans to do.We talk every day, and get together every other day to make love. This has been going on for a couple of weeks. I can't plan anything for the future. I am torn between supporting her and going with the flow, day by day...or just telling her she has to choose between us. I would appreciate any insights or advice you have. Thanks for your time.
G.

ANSWER: depends what your goal is, how much this arrangement bothers you; right now, despite all the promises of coming attractions, you're essentially a sex partner who's been told to wait on the sidelines to see if something more is forthcoming; highly self-esteemed types might not consent to tolerate such arrangements; if you love this girl, are troubled by her living with another, require more, then you tell her it's over until it's ONLY you in the picture; if the sexual arrangement is sufficient and you're not losing sleep over this, then lower expectations, enjoy the moment minus the responsibilities of a committed relationship..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for being objective.
You are right.
The sex is great. But what I really want is a complete relationship.
Giving and receiving 100%.
I love her and want to be with her, but not this way.
I don't know how I will tell her I can't see her anymore.
G.

Answer
it's not that u "can't" see her--you're basically stating what u require to continue, and that you're done enabling her; then it's HER choice--if she values the relationship with you as much as you do, she'll get off the dime and PROVE it; if not, then you'll know she really doesn't care about u all that much...she's had her cake and eat it too for far too long...

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