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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > Teacher/Student - How to become close friends?

General Dating Questions - Teacher/Student - How to become close friends?

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder,

Firstly, I would want to say thank you for taking your time to read my question. I really need some advice from someone like you.

So here is my problem:

I'm currently 18, female, and it is my last year of secondary school.(I'm graduating in June and will be off to university.)I have known this male teacher for 3 years and have been taught by him for 2 years. He doesn't teach me any more, but I joined his after school club just so I could get more chances to talk to him. I've also tried to approach other teachers who I found out were his friends, so that I could sometimes get him into the conversation and find out stuff about him.

It's not lust or love or anything like that; I just really admire him as a teacher, as a role model and I really enjoy being with him and talking to him.

I found that I've been 'overly' talking to him and bumping into him for the past months. (I worked out his lesson timetable) I feel that he knows that I might be doing it on purpose and I'm afraid he might try to avoid me because of this. All I want is to talk to him, he is very approachable and is the only male teacher that I feel comfortable opening my feelings to. (I'm from a single parent family.) I did really well in his classes before and he claims that he enjoys teaching me very much.

I want to get to know him more and be friends with him outside the school setting after I leave school. How could I do that? I would love to watch a movie with him, meet up at Starbucks or hike with him on Sundays.

All I want is a friendship, not a relationship. How can I make that clear?

Thanks so much!!

Regards,
Lisa

ANSWER: Hello Lisa!

You're really playing with fire here. He has a ton to lose - at least right now - and further, what's going to stop him from being romantically attracted to you? Remember: this works both ways. It's not all about what YOU want. It's about him too.

What are you hoping to gain from this "friendship" with him? Are you looking for a mentor? Are you looking for a father figure? Are you looking for someone to pal-around with? I'm not exactly seeing this. It seems to me that he takes all the risks and you get all the benefits. After all, what can you offer him in return?

Once you leave school, things will be much easier, but right now, that's absolutely not the case. He risks everything here by being your "friend"; his job, his family, his reputation, his own romantic relationships, etc. What do you risk? Absolutely nothing.

You're on a very slippery slope here. While it's possible to build a friendship between men and women, there has to be absolutely NO sexual attraction. We are sexual creatures FIRST and for that reason, sex almost always gets in the way.

If you really want this friendship and don't really care about his problems, I suggest you get involved with whatever organization(s) he's involved with. For instance, if he's into hiking, then join whatever hiking club he is a member of. At least that way, it's not going to a personal thing or become too complicated.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh Dr. Neder, thank you so much for all your pointers. I really needed this. :)

I think I'm looking for a father-figure. But I am not really sure what's in it for him...

I think I'll just keep it simple and join his hiking club. Thanks again.

Regards,
Lisa

Answer
Hello again Lisa!

You're very welcome. When you can figure out what's in it for him, you'll then have a basis for something.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

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