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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > on a break

General Dating Questions - on a break

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/26/2009

Question
I'm 23 and currently on a "break" from a 4 month relationship. She gave me every indication that she wants to try again at some point and made me promise that I did too but we haven't communicated since Sept. 10. Her reasons for wanting to take a break were that she was having some emotional issues and was going to go see a psychiatrist and resume taking antidepressants that she had stopped taking for some reason a couple months earlier. She told me that she felt suffocated, that I would only get hurt more if we continued, and that she wanted to be friends again and build from there. She told me that the time apart would give us time to evaluate our relationship and decide what we can and can't give. In the weeks before she broke up with me she became extremely difficult to deal with. It seemed like every other day she would have some blow out argument with her mother that would put her in some inconsolable mood. I'm not very good at talking on the phone and she had a problem with this from the beginning. I could never come up with things to talk about and if we were having a problem I could never talk to her about it over the phone, instead I would use instant messenger. She would occasionally get annoyed that I had nothing to say and suggest that we get off the phone and if I said yes she would get upset. This started to make me extremely stressed about calling her and in the weeks before she broke up with me I started to avoid calling her because I knew if I didn't have stuff to talk about she was going to bite my head off. I want to call her now, but I'm afraid that I won't have anything to say and I'll just remind her of why she broke up with me in the first place. Instead of calling her when I knew she needed me or would have liked to hear from me I would sit at home and do nothing. I wouldn't forget about her but my irrational fears about phone conversations would make it seem like I had. I'm also worried that a call to her will mean receiving bad news that she is seeing someone else or that she has thought about things and doesn't want to try again. This was my first relationship and the breakup has led me to be very down on myself that I was so bad at being in a relationship. Before I met her I was unhappy that I couldn't get into a relationship with anyone, but I thought that I would be good at it once I did. Finding out that I was bad at it has me very down. I could never come up with stuff to do because I don't like the pressure of deciding what we do and the few times I did pick where we went she didn't seem to enjoy herself. AS you can probably deduce from my age and this being my first relationship I have a big lack of confidence. Sometimes I think that I might be getting too down on myself about how I acted while we were together. Before this relationship I had never even kissed a girl and about a month into the relationship after we had fooled around twice she put the "burden" of making the moves on me. I obviously wasn't prepared for this because in the remaining 3 months of our relationship I didn't have the confidence to make one move that resulted in anything sexual happening even though she was practically begging me to at times. Something in my head just wouldn't let me actually believe she wanted me to make a move on her. She ended up breaking up with me over instant messenger after we hadn't seen each other for 10 days. I get upset sometimes over how she did it but then I remember that that's how I would talk about problems with her. Sometimes I wonder if it makes sense to want to try again with someone that needed a break from me after 4 months. I feel like my inexperience and lack of condfidence made our relationship less than it could have been. I never once called her baby or honey or anything like that. I obviously have issues with opening up to someone having never been in a relationship before. I know this seems a bit disjointed and I don't know what exactly my question is but I feel like I need some outside perspective. I haven't spoken with anyone about any of this since we broke up, mostly because I feel embarassed about my shortcomings. I know feelings can change, but a month before she broke up with me she told me that she would be devastated if I left her, that she hadn't felt this way about anyone in like ever, and she said that her feelings for me were almost beyond just liking me. I now wonder how she could say that she likes me so much, but she obviously doesn't like the person that I am or how my personality works. I would really appreciate any advice or insight you can share with me. Thanks.

Answer
Hello Bob!

Here's my insight: this girl is a fucking rude, self-centered, inconsiderate bitch and you're an idiot for not seeing the bullet you just dodged!

Bob, seriously, is this all you think you deserve in your life? Do you think that relationships are about being mistreated and controlled and having someone demand that you do everything exactly right, yet she herself doesn't give you anything back?

That's not a relationship, it's a prison sentence!

You should be GLAD she broke up with you! Now that you have the stank of being alone off of you, you can go out and meet a REAL girl that gives a shit about you. This one obviously DOES NOT. Further, you need to know that this "break" was just a way to keep you on the hook while she went out to find someone to replace you.

Frankly, this girl is VILE! You DO NOT want her in your life.

Go learn some REAL relationship skills and find someone worthy of a guy that knows them. Trust me, she'll treat you like gold. This one treats you like shit.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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