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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > being in the control of the relationships

General Dating Questions - being in the control of the relationships

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/30/2009

Question
Hi,what does it mean to be in the control of the relationship?Generally speaking,what should guys do to be more in the control of the relationship they are engaged in? Wish you the best!

Answer
Hello!

This is a short, but excellent question! I wish more men thought this way.

Being "in control" of the relationship means having a direction for it. That is, knowing where and what you want and being willing to expect that they girl(s) you're with are happy to follow you there. They are by the way!

Think of it something like steering a large ship. You know where you want the ship to go and you generally point the nose in that direction. However, currents, waves, wind and other factors continually try to change the course of the ship, so you have to make small corrections in order to go where you want to go.

In fact, if you think about it, you're actually off-course 99% of the time! It's only that last 1% that gets you where you're going.

Relationships work this way too.

Most of the time, you're working to establish what you want and then dealing with drama, the girl's opinions, etc. Most guys simply allow themselves to be bashed around like a ball on a tennis court. They are at the whim of not only the girl herself, but her friends, family, his friends and family, circumstances, etc.

This is all true because he doesn't have a clear vision of where he's going.

Let's take another small example: the first few dates.

Let's say that you pick up your girl to go out and have fun. Most guys get her in the car and then say, "So, where do you want to go?"

What the girl hears is, "You aren't important enough - and I'm not strong enough - to decide these things up front" or worse, "I don't want to take the risk of not giving you everything you want, so I'll get your approval first". Do you see how this is vague and non-directed?

Instead, he should say, "Ok, we're going to this little cafe I know around the city and then we're going for a walk by the lake."

Most guys think that's too specific and worry, "What if she doesn't want to do that?" My response: "No problem! Let her decide what she wants to do when SHE sets the date!" In other words, you're not there are an entertainment director. You're there to get to know this girl.

Let's look at sex as another example.

Most guys wait around (they think) until the girl decides that she's ready to have sex with him. The problem is that you can't know what her goals, dreams and interests are! In fact, women are notoriously good at hiding these things from men.

Instead, I want my boys to have a "date plan" with includes specific benchmarks and rules for themselves - not for the girl, but for the guy.

One of these rules is the number of dates where you invest in a girl (your time, money, resources, etc.) before you expect some sort of reciprocation. Let's say that you have a "5-date rule" where by the 5th date you should be having sex with her. Most guys are shocked at the idea, but as I've already said, you can't know what her goals or intentions are. Thus, you can only set yours.

Again, most guys let the 5 dates come and go and continue to invest only to have the girl come back and say, "Oh! I only thought we were friends!" Do you see how that works against you? If, on the other hand, you had set - and stuck by - your own rules, you'd never have to worry about this. When she came back and said, "How come you aren't calling me any more?" Your answer is simple: because you didn't live up to my expectations.

This changes things pretty dramatically and not only puts control back in your hands, but actually makes women feel safe and secure - an absolute requirement for them to even feel love.

This is tough for most men simply because they don't want to work that hard up front planning things, but in fact, it makes things so much easier on the back end and helps you to maximize your own resources to get - and keep - exactly what you want, that it's worth every bit of time and effort.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
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Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

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