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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.

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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > Complicated urges towards an untouchable ex.

General Dating Questions - Complicated urges towards an untouchable ex.

Expert: Azure - 11/5/2009

Question
The epic story of the break up & 2 weeks after will be condensed into a few sentences. Well we, a 17yr senior in highschool and 19yr college sophmore, broke up two weeks before our aniversary. I immediatly regretted it. Drove back to college. Don't recall much due to major depression (not a factor here) but ended up getting the idea to do one romantic gesture to get her back. It didn't go the way anyone thought it would. She refused to talk, and told me to leave. I did without arguement. I had been told, as well as read, that getting rid of memoriablia is a good thing when getting over a relationship. When we broke up she wanted me to bring some of her "exotic" outfits back home so I wouldn't destroy them so i figured the same for everything else she ever gave me. I dropped the stuff off at her house, went back to college. Two days later her friend told me that she had started seeing another guy 3 days after our break up. I sent her a text saying "i know about the guy, how could you fake being sad?" apparently 5 days later,oct 8th, they filed for a restraining order (pretty sure it was her moms idea who is a control freak and very protective, not my ex's) and i got the order on the 16th of oct. I suppose it was a rebound but I don't know for sure. All I know is that for 6 weeks and 5 days its been hard for me. I managed to start supressing it and faking that i was over it about 3 n ahalf weeks ago but yesterday I had to travel home to go to court and contest the restraining order, and the drive home just opened the floodgates again. All I can think about is her pretty face, her laugh, her voice, her touch and so on. I loved her and her family and feel betrayed by both. But I don't hate them for the betrayal, I simply don't understand it and wish things could be patched back together... i doubt it can. But I still want her, and if anything she ever told me was true i know she still cherishes all our memories. As far as I can tell the only reason she didn't get back together with me a day or so later following the break up is because she "doesn't go back to ex's". some rule she put on relationships.

thats alot more sentences then I thought would be needed but ohwell. Its the basic.

So the question I suppose is even tho I'm supposedly experiencing a "Relapse" if I get the restraining order removed (which i will, because the alegations are false) do i even dare try talking to her? Do I act on my feelings? Do I personally appologized to the family and wish them the best and call it quits? Forever? Until she realizes how good we were together.

I suppose I better throw in why we broke up. My job and her scheldule forced us to not see eachother for four weeks in which we talked less and less by the day. I called to get reassurance in our commitments which I ended up confessing that (no paraphrasing) there was a girl, on my floor, who flirted with me and I smiled back. I assured her that I loved her and would not be unfaithful no matter how long we didn't see eachother, but that it was just hard. When we hung up I thought things were good but she apparently had trust issues that she didn't talk to me about two weeks leading up to the break up. She thinks i did cheat on her, with the girl who magicly became a skinny girl (when no description was originally given), because she was so fat (which she isn't even close). She says she had been sad for a few weeks and that she couldn't be with me if i was going to make her sad. I don't know if this was all just a cover because she found another guy or not... I am not 100% or even 50% sure why we really broke up. But this is what I can recall being told.
FACT- I was never unfaithful.
FACT- If we both had been a few years older, I would have proposed to her, which shouldn't be taken lightly.

I have no reason to lie in any of this, especially when I am volunteerly looking for help.

So again even tho I'm supposedly experiencing a "Relapse" if I get the restraining order removed (which i will, because the alegations are false) do i even dare try talking to her? Do I act on my feelings? Do I personally appologized to the family and wish them the best and call it quits? Forever? Until she realizes how good we were together.
Any other advice thrown in would be wonderful, or if any other information is needed to do a full analysist just ask.
Thanks in advance

Answer
i wouldn't count on the order being overturned--even if it is, why go where you're not wanted?..at most, u can write her a letter expressing your feelings and see if she replies--otherwise, it's time to move on..so, that's an impolite response??...give me a break...totally unfair ratings---no need to blame the messenger if u don't like the message...the answer was right on....

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