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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > disappearing

General Dating Questions - disappearing

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/2/2009

Question

Just Being Me.

I am a divorced 40 year old woman. I have been off and on dating websites for five years.
My question is why do men ALWAYS disappear after you have been emailing, texting, and talking on the phone for a week or so?
They come on strong and then they are nowhere to be found.
My second question is should I text, call, or email and ask them why all of a sudden they stopped all contact or should I just move on?
Like I said, this has been going on for five years, how is anyone supposed to build a relationship if all the men are doing the same thing?

Answer
Hello Abigail!

Therein lies your first problem: dating websites. Abigail, the reality is this: when you meet someone on the internet, you have this huge social filter in between you and them. Continuing to get to know them via more technology like email and texting only further separates you from him. Think about this: relationships are built on emotional content. What sort of emotion can you exchange with email and texting? Answer: damn little.

NO WONDER these guys disappear! Not only are you losing that chance to build a real first impression, they don't feel connected enough to you to want to invest any time. Further, they don't feel any particular need to not just fade away - especially considering that they are likely chasing the next "shiny object" that comes along in their in-boxes. I see this quite literally, every single day! Some of these guys get and send dozens of responses every week.

I can't tell you specifically why these guys are doing this. I'd have to read your emails and their responses in order to know. Either way, consider just how artificial all of this is! These guys have no more connection to you; considering how they met you, than they have to me or anyone else. Trying to craft the perfect email message or text is simply prolonging the very problem itself.

Sites like eHarmony and Match and others don't publish their "success rates" for a very specific reason: they are unbelievably low! I happen to know this after doing a ton of research on the success/failure of these sites. In fact, the chance of meeting a great guy using one of them is down in the fractions of a percent! I constantly hear, "Well, my friend met her husband..." Sure, and a broken watch is right twice a day too, but now often is it wrong?

Abigail, if you really want to find a great guy that WILL invest in you and won't disappear, you're probably going to have to find a better choice of location to meet them rather than the internet.

By the way - thanks for the nice picture. It's good to put a face to the person!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
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Remington Publications
BAM! TV
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http://beingaman.com
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Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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