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About Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Expertise
I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com

Experience
I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > What now?

General Dating Questions - What now?

Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/7/2009

Question
This is a rather involved question. Sorry about that.

Im 27 years old and the girl I am referring to is 26. We were early high school sweethearts in a 2 year, long-distance relationship that ended very badly. I have known her since we were 4 years old.

Recently, she got out of a long term (4+ years) relationship on mutual terms and she has begun showing an interest in me (or at least that's the assumption I have).

For the past 2 weeks I have been over to her house every other night or more after work and we cook dinner and hang out. I have been helping her get her new house set up and looking like a home. By the end of the night she and I end up on the couch together watching TV and playing with her dog. She is a very conservative woman and knows that I have been attracted to her for years now since the relationship ended so long ago.

She has invited me to stay in her guest room this weekend to save on gas from driving across town every day. Next weekend, I got tickets to the theater to watch a show we have both wanted to see. We are going to dinner before hand and will probably end up at her place afterwords.

The physical part of the relationship has only been hugging and the occasional flirty brushing up against each other while around the house.

Its been 4 years since I have been in a relationship and I feel retarded around her when it comes to making the next move. What should I do to show her that I would like to "define" what this relationship is and where it is going? I thought to talk to her about it face to face but I am afraid of scaring her off and losing her again.

Answer
Hello Andrew!

Four years??? Andrew - four years??? What in the hell are you doing here?

She knows how you feel about her and I'll bet you have little to no clue about how she feels about you, right? Thought so.

Here you are buying her meals, helping her with her place, taking her to the theater and entertaining her and you still have no idea if she's interested in you and even worse, you're too scared to pull the trigger to find out.

What sort of help do you want from me? If this were me (and it wouldn't be me, I'd never put up with that crap!) I'd have solved it long ago - before so much investing. You're doing this simply because you're too much of a coward to find out what's really going on. You want a relationship but you don't want the risk associated with it. Sorry, we have a word for guys like you - and it's not flattering.

Ok, have I beat on you enough? It's time to get this solved.

Andrew, let's face it. She knows what you want and knows you're too much of a coward to go after it and she's using that against you and entirely for her own benefit. Can you see this clearly? If you can't then you're simply delusional. It's time to wake up and smell the cat shit - because you're rolling in it!

Let's talk about worst-case here: you tell her what you expect - not in words, but in actions. She tells you she doesn't want it and you get to then go get healed and then find someone that deserves all your attention and investment. Then, with this new girl, you DON'T do any of this dumb shit with her and because you're now a real man, she falls hopelessly in love with you, worships the ground you walk on and devotes herself to finding out just how happy she can make you.

Hmm...doesn't seem so bad to me!

Instead, you've locked yourself in an impossible situation. You've spent four years of your life waiting for this one girl to do all your work for you - and for what? So you can spend your money, time and emotion on her only to sleep in her guest room. You're not her boyfriend, you're not really even her friend! You're simply her valet or worse, her pet!

Come on here man! Get it together! Get this fixed or shit-can it. Either way, you've got to stop living like this! You obviously don't realize it, but trust me, you deserve WAY more than you're getting here! If she doesn't see that, it's not your problem - it's hers.

So, here's what you're going to do:

You're going to go over there and get you stones out of her purse and put them back in your pants where they belong. Then, you're going to spin this girl around and passionately kiss her right on the lips - like a real boyfriend would do.

You're going to start expecting her to hold up her responsibilities to you and whatever relationship you want rather than hoping she'll throw you a bone here and there by brushing up against you on occasion. You're going to start expecting her to come over to your place and help YOU redecorate. You're going to expect her to start being the girlfriend YOU need - or you're going to boldly, confidently move on and find someone that will. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain here - finally!

Four years, Andrew - four fucking years! Think about that. Four years of your life wasted waiting around for this girl to do all your work for you. She's told you clearly (through her actions) that it's not her job to do this for you - and it's not. It's yours. You can either continue to be her pathetic little pet or you can be my student and get this fixed for the rest of your life. If you don't do something about it today, tomorrow is going to be exactly the same. If you don't get this straightened out this week, next week won't be any different; nor will next month or next year.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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