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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.

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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > General Dating Questions > it's over

General Dating Questions - it's over

Expert: Azure - 11/7/2009

Question
Ok, so I was seeing this girl who I really like. It was like love at first site for me. We went on 6 great dates, (saw her once a week, and talked during the week to set up plans) and I thought everything was going well. I am 33 and she is 28, but she has been divorced for about a year from someone who from what I know was very controlling. Her divorce was very hard on her and I know there are still lingering feelings. I met her on match.com. She joined match after being persuaded by her parents as a way for her to get use to “going out” again. I cooked dinner for us on our fifth date, it was very romantic. She baked me an Oreo cookie pie because she knows I like Oreo cookies. I was impressed. On our 6th date (Sat night) she invited me over back to her parents house (she moved back there after the divorce) where I met them and she cooked me dinner this time. She said that “she can’t wait” until I come over. She went all out. Made us a great dinner, bought the type of red wine I like and even a bottle of white wine just in case. She even bought a Danish ring from Panara Bread for us. We had also moved on sexually at this point but no sex yet. It seemed like she liked me and was into me. There was chemistry. It felt good! I text her the following day thanking her for a wonderful evening. She replied back saying that she was glad I enjoyed everything.
A few days later (Tues), I called her to make plans to see her again for the weekend. She said it would have to be the following week because her friend was flying out for the weekend. I said that was fine because I had to work a few extra shifts at work so ill catch her next week. I decided to send her flowers over the weekend (on Saturday, no roses) just because I really appreciated her and the way things were going and what she did for me. I thought that would be a classy move.

She called to thank me that night but I missed her call so she left me a voice message saying thank you and she would call me at the beginning of the week. Sunday I text her saying “I’m glad you liked the flowers, I hope they made you smile”. She replied, “They most definitely did, thank you!” A few days went by and still no call. She’s a teacher and the school year was just beginning so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I know she has been really stressed. I called her on Wednesday to see how her first day went. She told me about her day and her weekend. She loved the flowers I sent her and it made her happy. I tried to make plans with her again for the weekend but said she had a fund raiser on Friday and just wanted to “lay low” Saturday and Sunday. I knew something was wrong.
I let about 5 days go by until I called her again. When I called, we spoke; everything was cool until I asked to see her again. When I confronted her, she said “I think we are looking for different things and she didn’t want me to waste my time.” I asked her what she is looking for and she replied “I don’t know what I want. I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m not.” She said that she had met a few guys off match, but I was the only one who she saw for that long. I said, “that because you like me”. She said, “Yea, that’s the thing. I like talking to you, hanging out with you, but she feels like I would be wasting my time and she didn’t want to lead me on.” It was very confusing. Although I am looking for a relationship, I was not looking to rush into one but I must have given her that vibe. I was just having fun dating her and didn’t mean to scare her off. I am a very passionate person and I tried to play everything cool but I’m thinking that I unintentionally put pressure on her.
So I left the ball in her court. I told her that I would like to continue seeing her, she has my #, and if she didn’t then I wish her luck. She said thanks for understanding and we said goodnight. The next day she text me that she would still like to keep in touch, see how I’m doing with work, school, and to see how my grandma is doing (she fell broke her hip and was supportive of me when that was taking place). I text her the next day saying that I would like that also because I enjoyed our time together, however short it was. I didn’t know if she was just trying to be nice but within 2 weeks, she emailed me wanting to see how everything was going. 5 days later I responded saying that everything was good, my grandmothers doing ok, and I’m glad she’s doing well. I was going to leave it generic but instead, last minute, I added that I was confused about what happened and that if she wanted things to be more casual then that would have been ok. I also said that it would be nice to meet up for coffee and catch up sometime. I began making myself crazy thinking that I sounded needy in that e-mail so I texted her 3 days later saying the things I said sounded good at the moment but maybe better left unsaid. I tried fixing what I thought was bad but I think I made it worse. Well she didn’t respond to my text that day or to my email. It’s been a month now. I knew I may have put more pressure on her and didn’t really expect her to contact me.
I know I should let go, but I really liked her and want another chance. I also don’t know if I should put myself out there one last time. It’s really her move. I told myself if I were to try again, I would wait a full month. I was going to write a generic email so there would be no pressure of any kind. Recently I saw a psychologist, a PhD, if that means anything. She thinks that a generic email to her at this point is just BS because yes, if she is nice she will respond, but then what. She said that this girl knows that you like her and that any email to her, “being generic,” trying to play it cool, or saying you want things casual, would only be backpedaling. She said psychologically, and as a woman, if I just told her how I feel it would be best. Talk to her. Tell her she doesn’t need to respond. Tell her “you like her, “she’s beautiful,” you respect her decision,” “that’s its been a while since I met anyone like you”. The Doc said that would make a greater impact than any generic email I could possible write at this time. Just let her know and move on. Verbally would be best. She can either appreciate you and your ability to express yourself or not. At least you will have closure knowing you did everything that you could and if she doesn’t see that, then she doesn’t deserve you.
I’m curious in your opinion. What should I do? How should I proceed. I don’t want to come across as crazy or super needy. It’s about been 2 months since I have spoken to her and a month since my last email. I have seen other girls since her but I can’t stop thinking about her. Does my psychologist make sense? I know there is a whole game to be played and rules of attraction, mystery, and stuff like that, but I think that ship has sailed. I’m passionate and no matter how cool I played, I guess it showed. Anyway, is it worth a shot? Thanks!

Answer
i'd respectfully disagree with the psychologist; the bottom line is, the only thing left to happen here is you're abandoning all hope/moving on; the girl dated you a few times, realized, for whatever reason, she wasn't sufficiently into it/you to continue, ended it; she's not changing her mind; to write again professing your feelings (which she already has considered), would only make you look weak, needy, incapable of moving on, and probably irritate her;if she had wanted to continue contact, she WOULD have...thusly, it's time to put this dalliance in the memory bank, get back to the PRESENT, focus on meeting one of the MANY out there you are capable of having a loving, reciprocal relationship with...anything else just wastes more precious time and further depletes self-esteem...

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