AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
Experience Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.
BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.
Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.
I (22) desperately need your help! I have been seeing someone for the past 14 months and have observed 2 major problems with this lady (22).
First, she has no communication skills. She does not express her feelings and uses the silent-treatment to let me know that something is not right. Much more often, however, she does something to upset me, I confront her about it, and she, in turn, shys away and says/does nothing (ie silent) like a child. Most interestingly, I try not to make her feel bad when I confront her. Rather, I try to address why she did or did not say/do something and explain how it made me feel so that it does not happen again (very systematic and follows my model of not leaving a burden on my heart). It is, purposely, a very unemotional process (no yelling, very calm, and kissing/touching involved) that allows me to address the issue objectively. Once I do end up explaining the problem in a clear fashion and in a way she cannot contest it, she appears to accept her fault, is ashamed of what she said/did and instead of talking about it, says nothing and puts her head down and does not look at me. I feel like she should participate in addressing OUR problems but I ALWAYS pick-up her slack. Instead of having a dialogue like two mature adults, I conduct a monologue. I let her know this on a few occasions. Again, she just puts her head down, becomes sad-looking, and might mutter "yeah...I know..I don't know what to say" and then just sits there in way that begs sympathy. How can I teach her? Good communication skills are something I need her to possess, because one day, I fear that my ego will hold me from initiating the "fixing of the issue" and our relationship will depend on HER ability to open the discussion. What can I do?
Second issue has to do with the bedroom. I will be very playful with her, caress her, kiss her romantically, and she will interrupt by saying something like "Did you set the alarm?" or "Wait!...just don't!" Just last night, for example, I was trying to be passionate with her, and proceeded to take off her panties. I set them on my side of the bed and then she went off about how I should put them on her side because of several reasons and started arguing for 2 minutes. Who does that? Obviously, we were not on the same wavelength. By the time she was done talking, I was not in the mood, and tried to go to sleep. I just said, "you know what honey, lets just go to sleep, okay? Good-night!" She, apparently started feeling guilty and tried to turn me on. I don't hold grudges, so I went along with it and we started to have sex. After 10 minutes or so, she tells me that she is soar and is tired. She does NOT try to help me "finish" using her hands or mouth, and turns around to go to sleep, knowing that she left me with "blue balls" (pain in testicular area associated with not reaching orgasm). I quietly went to the bathroom, helped myself to prevent the pain, and went to sleep without a fight. I even said "Goodnight!" happily. Keep in mind, this is after she initiated it after feeling guilty (the irony!). This morning I thought I might arouse her, but she told me that if we start, she will be late to work. That is fine reasoning, except that then, she went on to sleep for an extra 30 minutes! That kind of invalidates her excuse, don't you think? Anyway, this is just 1 of many, many times that we were on "different wavelengths" in the bedroom, and it is very scary. Things in the bed-room go smoothly about 15-20% of the time. Is that normal? I don't like feeling like "other guys" who break off relationships when they don't "get any," but at the same time feel like I am right to question what is going on. Physical expression is not just for satisfying my lower brain..it is emotional as well and I use it to strengthen my bond with her. If she keeps blowing me off, I will associate negative feelings with her in bed and might shut myself off from her permanently. Or worse, seek a mistress who will steal my heart just because of some meager blowjob start to finish. I don't want this to happen! Do you think I am over-reacting? I confronted her about it this morning and she said nothing and then cried. I had to swallow it, kiss her 50 times and send her off to work. The reality is, its NOT okay. I am trying to piece this together and don't know how to proceed. Please help!!!
Thank you so much Azure. Sorry if this multi-part question is super winded.
Thanks again!
Answer never try to teach a pig to sing---it wastes your time and annoys the pig; in other words, she's not changin most of this, so your choices are to accept her as is, or let her go; plus, your approach with her sounds very authoritarian, i.e. "what SHE did wrong", "accept HER fault", how it made YOU feel"..(reminder--you're responsible for your own feelings)...not sure how u got to be judge/jury/executioner, and i'm sure her side of the story might be a tad different; as for the bedroom, more incompatibility--thusly, with all these issues and no effective means of communication established, this appears to be an unhealthy arrangement that NEITHER of you is happy with---mercifully calling an end to it looks like the best choice, unless u are able to get off the mountaintop, change your approach, accept responsibility for being part of the problem as well, and let empathy, understanding guide you, rather that efforts to implement YOUR principles that haven't been agreed to...
