AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
Experience Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.
BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.
Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving.
Question I was married for 20+ years to a man who cheated on me several times.I believed him over and over that"there was nothing going on" or "we are just friends".I only wanted trust and honesty in the marriage and was fooled time and time again. I have been divorced for about 4 years,waited a couple of years to start dating again.I met a few men on my own but no one I really cared for. I ran a personal ad and met the man I have been seeing for about a year now.
He is very old fashioned and different from anyone I have ever met.We have been taking things very slow but I do feel love for him.
After dating three month, his daughters came to visit from anther state, one was 19 and the other 21.We didn't see other very much or even talk to each other,said he wasn't able to for various reasons.I was hurt and confused. He said that he wanted to be able to spend as much time as possible with them,as he of course, didn't see them often. I forgave him.Things got back to "normal". December came around and he left the state for two weeks to visit his mother and four kids. He called once, and emailed a couple of times.He gave various reasons for not being able to contact me. I tried to be understanding,but again I was hurt.
I asked him if he had told his 18, 20, 22, 24 year olds that he had a woman friend and he said no, that his kids still want him and his ex to get back together. YIKES! Wasn't expecting that.
He had been married and divorced for the same amount of time as I. His ex asked for the divorce, but they are still friends. He continued to pay for their home while his youngest finished high school and his ex went to college, which he paid for. He was also paying for some of his other two kids tuition and their households, for all of them.No one had/has a job except him.
I thought this was ok, thought he was just a good, responsible man, which he is but then later realized some of this responsibility rose from guilt.He claims he was always angry and he and his ex were always arguing. He worked jobs that would keep him away from the family for weeks at a time. One job led him to the middle east, where he and his family lived for many years. They couldn't show public displays of affection, never really were into sex except to have kids.
Then there was a tragedy that involved terrorist.
The family moved back to the states where he had his own company that failed after a large storm hit the community.
Now his ex and kids have graduated from college/high school and he says that he needs for all of them to get jobs. He is afraid of losing it all again. I understand that, but his ex has moved here, and into a small apartment next to his.He said it was because she had to get a job.
I have to admit that when we first started seeing each other, he mentioned that he told his ex that there was a need for the type of work that she was studying for. I asked several times over the course of our relationship if she was moving here and he never knew. I know he misses his kids. I don't know if he missed her as well.
I have three older kids of my own, and have always had a good relationship with them, I had full custody and saw them all the time.I know if this wasn't the case, I would miss them too.
He started acting funny a few weeks before they came here, he said he had health problems and he didn't know if he would live long, this was before i knew what was happening. He told me that he didn't know how he felt about me, he cared but didn't know if he had the strong feelings.
I guess I should say that I was no angel. I realized about six months into the relationship that I had a control and anger issues. The "me" I found prior to dating was slowly disappearing. I fought my feeling for him thinking I should move on but really wanting too.I was having financial difficulties too. I felt I was losing him and everything else I worked so hard to achieve. When I found out his ex was coming, I lost it, I called him every name in the book. I asked why he had lied to me and how he should have never gotten involved with me if he still had feelings for his wife.
Although I felt my feelings were valid, I still felt ashamed of myself for doing that.
I told him that since I knew how he liked to spend every spare minute with his kids, and how I need to get my act together that we should take a two week break from each other. That was how long they were to be here.I insisted that he contacted me by phone, email or text, because I knew I would miss him.
These past twenty days (yes,20)have been hell. I have not wanted to run into him and his family so I have altered my lifestyle. I temporarily stopped going out especially to the tourist areas.I grew up in this state and it is my home, he has only been here for two years,still a tourist to me.
I love and trusted him so much that I wanted to respect the limited time he had with them. He told me that he and his ex were friends, talked about the kids, nothing was left between them, they didn't want to get back together.
A couple of days ago I decide to go to an event that him and I do on a regular basis. I drove in the parking lot and saw his vehicle, I do not know what came over me but I still went in. I saw him with his ex. I started shaking and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I looked at them and saw a couple. He acted like he didn't know me. He and his ex walked right by me. When I realized that he wasn't going to say anything, I spoke up and said "if you were a real man you would introduce you ex wife to your girlfriend."Neither one said anything. She would not even look at me. I was not loud, I was not angry,my heart felt like it was going to explode though. I followed them to the car, just about three feet away from the entrance and first asked her, very calmly."What is it that you have between the two of you that he cannot admit he has a girlfriend?" To him I said "We need to talk, now!" We walked a distance away so she could not here and i asked him why he was with her. He told me that he never said he would not go anywhere with her. Turns out that they kids suggested they go to this event.
He still says he cares for me and is not involved with her in any way except for friendship, they are "close". He misses me, and wants to be with me, doesn't want me to stop loving him. Yet, I still haven't seen him. We used to talk to each other everyday and now we don't. My heart actually aches for him.
The amazing thing is that I do not feel anger, I am not jealous or hateful towards his ex. I am in control of those emotions. I feel good about that, I told him I want to believe him, but if I find out that he lied I will lose all respect for him.
Am I being stupid for believing him? He says she is trying to get a job here, I do not like the close proximity and the fact that she cooks meals and "invites" him to eat. I want to do that. I am very confused. Part of me wants to move on but I really think I love him and he is being honest. I just need another perspective.
Answer wake up call---your insecurities are enabling you to hang on to a dream; this guy has essentially admitted his lack of caring, and his behavior illustrates it; the ex came around and you were disrespecfully cast aside...hopefully you feel you deserve more, and seek it out..
