AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between.
IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them!
Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.
Question I have read about how being too nice is not good for a man in the relationship because it makes him look weak. I admit that I have made that mistake many times. This was mostly back when I didn't realize how bad it was for me. After reading your material I realized my mistake and have had much better success with a changed attitude.
The problem I have is that being very considerate and treating someone too well is not easy to shake off when it has been a part of you for so long. I have been raised to behave like that and when I really like some girl I somehow automatically get this reaction to put her needs and wants higher than my own. Maybe because I feel insecure about myself. I constantly have to focus on my behaviour. It gets a bit exhausting over time because it doesn't come natural and I sometimes slip back to mr. nice guy.
Should I learn to get rid of the mr. nice guy in me for good or is it ok to show more of that side later in the relationship? Are there any good techniques for changing your attitude or do I just have to keep on focusing on my act untill it hopefully one day comes naturally?
Answer Hello John!
I totally hear you. In fact, we practice being nice our entire lives. It starts with our mom's telling us to "be nice!" Then, we get into school and the teachers force us to "play nice", then in the work place, it's "work nice", etc. In fact, there's a far greater expectation on men to be nice than there is women!
Here's the reality: it's ok to be nice sometimes, but in order to live well (and have the success you want with women) you need to learn to balance that against your own personal needs. In fact, it's ok to be selfish sometimes too. The trick is in knowing the balance.
Thus, you can't get rid of the niceness altogether. Instead, you have to add that jackassery to your game.
One of the best ways to do this is to develop a basis for your own wants and needs. Many call these "morals and ethics" but that is outwardly focused. I view this as an internal thing.
You see, most people have "morals of convenience" for instance. They wait until a situation comes up, decide how they feel about it and that becomes their moral basis for that particular situation.
Instead, I recommend that you establish your belief systems up front. Know what you believe and stick by it. Have good reasons for those beliefs too - especially when it comes to your own expectations about how others treat you.
The reason why that's important is that you never again have to decide on the fly whether to be a nice guy or to go for what you expect from others. This is where the selfishness comes in.
Further, you actually get to be the nice guy most of the time, but pull out the other character when you need him - and for a good, prescribed reason. You never have to make excuses as to why you've chosen that particular path either - it'll simply be part of your moral fiber.
Sometimes having an example to draw from in order to build these beliefs will help. I encourage you to read my book "Being a Man in a Woman's World" for a bunch of these ideas. It's full of examples - and exercises - to help you build these foundations for yourself and stop being Mr. Nice Guy all the time - except when YOU want to be him.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
BAM! TV
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Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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