AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between.
IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them!
Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.
I am 35 years old and I've always been shy with girls, although despite that, somehow I've been able to have several relationships and partners. I guess I've relied upon women to approach me or seek me out in order to have any sort of history with women at all. Now that I am getting older, I find that I cannot rely on my looks or whatever has compelled women to seek me out in the past for dates. As a result, I've gone 9 months without a date and even women who liked me when I was with someone do not have the slightest interest in me anymore. I guess I have a two part question: Is it too late for me to come out of my shell at 35 and start approaching women for dates and why is it that women only seem to want you when you are with someone else? My self esteem is low as I feel undesirable to women from the constant rejection I receive from online dating and a receding hairline has not helped matters either.
Answer Hello Sean!
You've got what I call "the stank". This is when you have a situation where you are actively looking to meet women and go on dates and can't seem to make it happen. When you're with someone or not looking it almost seems that women come out of the woodwork!
The reality is that your actions and expectations affect others and thus, if you don't pursue them properly, you never get the results you're looking for.
On to your questions:
No, it's not at all too late at 35 to learn how to approach women. I've had men (and women!) in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's that have NEVER had a date learn how to make it work! Seriously! Imagine being a virgin in your 60's and only then learning that you actually could not only approach women but build entire relationships. Wouldn't that be a revelation? Well, you can do it at 35 too.
As to why women seem to be available to you when you're in a relationship, it's comes down to your confidence level. When you're with someone, there's no pressure on you to meet anyone else. Thus, you're calm and collected. When you're not you start feeling that pressure and react to it - even if you try to control it.
Another problem you have is trying to date on-line. Sean, this; along with bars and clubs, is the worst place there is to meet women! There are tons of reasons for it. Yes, I know you believe that you're maximizing your contacts while minimizing your risks, but in fact none of that is true. Further, you're adding tons of additional challenges for yourself!
Just think about how artificial the internet is to meet someone. Where else in life do you go where there are maybe 5 or 6 or 10 women you'd want to meet - each with 200, 300 or 500 other guys all wanting to meet them too? No wonder you're not having any success! With your confidence level in the toilet and being only 1 in 500, how could you possibly get anywhere? There are a ton of other problems with this as well, but let's not belabor the point.
Sean, you need to change not only your attitude, but your entire game. The good news is that while there's a lot to learn, you can do it - and it's not difficult or complicated. However, you DO have to change things. You can't continue to do what you're doing now and expect different results. That's simply not going to work.
Let's talk about the confidence issue for a minute. Your receding hairline has absolutely nothing to do with your attractiveness to women. Drop that waste of time (worrying) and get focused on what's important. That's where your confidence comes from.
You see, nobody ever gets to "own" confidence. Instead, everyone of us gets to borrow it for awhile. What's great news about this is that if you stop trying to chase confidence and realize you can have it when you need it, all the pressure's off. That's the beginning of your transformation.
Next realize that there's one foundational key to having access to confidence. It's knowledge. Think about this: if you knew where to find great women, how to approach them, what to say to them, how to build rapport and connection, how to close and convert and lead the relationship, etc., etc. - all the things you need to be successful, do you really think you'd lack confidence? Of course not!
That's where you need to begin with all of this. You need to get started on your education and start building it. I strongly urge you to get started by reading my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". This is where you'll get the inside information you're looking for. They will not only teach you these things, but will help you set relationship goals, establish a plan - and work that plan - to get what you want and deserve.
They key is knowledge, Sean. Go get it and get started.
...or, you can wait until you're in your 60's like some guys do...
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826 http://beingaman.com http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
