AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between.
IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them!
Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.
Question I am 27 and have been a very independent woman my whole life. I have a
great job, education, my own house, etc, etc. I've always considered myself
to be level-headed and I take very good care of myself. I've had three very
serious relationships that have failed. I've loved but have never felt that I was
really ever 'in love' and this has been beneficial to me with ending my past
relationships. I've always moved on quickly and have never had problems
meeting and dating men. I have recently started dating a great man...but he
is confusing me and I'm scaring myself.
There is a 14 year age difference between us, and this is not something that
is new for me, and it does not bother me at all. What does scare me a bit is
that he is 40 and has never really been in a serious relationship. He's dated
many women, but only one lasted for more than a year and she lived far far
away. We have had many deep discussions where he has informed me that
he's never really loved a woman. He shows all of the signs of commitment
phobia, but yet he has been quick to involve me in his social surroundings,
share his financial info and even wants to plan a vacation together in the next
month. He calls me every night, and the nights he doesn't call, he invites me
over. He even emails me in between patients and waits for me to send him
messages in the morning. He seems very quick to want to start something,
but then every now and again I sense him pulling back. He'll start to talk
about making plans...and then the next day forget he even said anything. He
sometimes slips up and makes little comments about living together...but
then changes the subject or makes a joke about it to pass it off as nothing.
I know part of this is because I told him in the beginning that I wasn't looking
for a husband tomorrow and that I am the type to take things slow and try
not to settle into something that isn't great. Normally this back and forth
commitment phobic behavior wouldn't bother me, in fact it would be a relief
knowing that he isn't trying to marry me today. But with this guy, I'm feeling
more vulnerable than I ever have. I'm worried that he is quickly becoming
someone that I am falling for and because of his behaviors, I'm afraid he's
going to be the first to break me.
I struggle with just throwing caution into the wind and taking the risk, and
just enjoying the experience while it's here, or to run away now and protect
myself from turning into a weak and broken person. How do I really know
what his intentions are with me and where he sees 'us' going without asking?
He's got me all over the place and I'm not used to this feeling at all! I need a
little advice, if not for anything else, just to know that I am making the right
decisions or if I should be looking at taking caution.
Thanks,
Lynn
Answer Hello Lynn!
Oh my god - another victim of the "independent woman syndrome", ("IWS") eh? Hmmm...do you think there might be something in this way of thinking that has put you in the situation you're in? Frankly, I sure do. You've bought into a purely media-based image of women today. In fact, you've bought it hook, line and sinker - and it's having every bit of it's impact. Your results prove it out.
You didn't write to me about this point, but let me give you some perspective - free of charge. The IWS is entirely a media-created image. It comes directly from the woman-empowerment movement, and out of the belief that woman have been "held down" and have to fight to be seen at the same level of men. That's absolutely ridiculous!
This is not about your success in any way. It's about your attitude. It's about your belief of being "independent". Let me assure you: no successful relationship has ever been built on an individual's belief of being independent any more than it has been build on someone's belief (or need) of being co-dependent. There's only one attitude that works in relationships that are successful: "inter-dependence". This is the case where you give up your independence as well as your need and merge or integrate yourself: your skills, you're wants and desires, your weaknesses - everything, with another person's.
You can chew on that for a while and for what it's worth. So on to your question...
This guy has never really loved another woman and you've never really loved another man. You tell him that you are the type to artificially manipulate the speed and quality of your relationships ("take it slow") in effect, stripping them of the essence of the very value you seek from them and that you don't "settle". Honey, EVERYBODY "settles." This is more that that ridiculous IWS coming through!
You think that everything is a "high-point" and a "must-have" and don't realize that is the very reason you keep attracting guys that you can't fall in love with. In effect, you're totally separated yourself from the rest of the dating pack and tried to give yourself all sorts of rules that simply don't apply in the real world - right along with your other sisters in the IWS club!
He's commitment phobic and sounds equally misguided. Frankly, you two sound perfect for each other!
He keeps you off-balance (something you've actually craved all this time) and that is making you fear falling in love with this guy. He also seems pretty good at pushing your buttons and since you can't control that you fall into fear and suspicion and want to pull away.
The dumbest women are those that don't ask the right questions. Dare I think you're in this category? What you're doing is trying to use all these clues to divine a reality when in fact, you should just simply ask him what he's thinking.
Therein lies your answer. STOP with all the assumption and guessing and hoping and worrying - all based on ignorance. Sit down with this guy and TALK. Don't TELL him what you want or expect, FIND OUT what he wants and expects - while SHARING your own expectations. Get over the IWS and thinking that you can have it all - you can't (besides, where would you keep it?) and start working as a team to BUILD something.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826 http://beingaman.com http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
