Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/27/2009

Question
Hello Doc,

So here's the thing, there's this girl that I've known ever since I was about 14. I never really payed much attention to her. But she always had a crush on me. I was aware of this. As I recall, at the time I wasn't interested in her.

Now, 6,7 years later, we finally started talking, and now I'm attracted to her. She says she has always found me attractive and still does. But there's a catch. She's been seeing this other guy. They're "taking it slow" therefore aren't a couple, nor are they committed, and she says that she doesn't allow any sexual acts (including a simple make-out) with a guy until he's officially her boyfriend. She says she does not love the guy, but has lots of love for him, and that he loves her and tries really hard to make her happy and to win her over. She says that she believes there's a possibility that he's the one and that she could learn to love him as time goes by.

She also revealed to me that she always felt that I avoided her and pretty much gave her a bad vibe back when we were 14 and 15. I told her that was then and this is now, and we were barely teens. She said that while recently talking to me, she realized that her perception of me was wrong and that she would like to spend time with me.

Honestly I think the guy she is seeing is probably somebody she isn't physically attracted to, but he probably has a good job, a nice car, and drives her to fancy places and buys her nice things. Unfortunately, in these tough economic times, I don't have a job or a car, so I really can't do any of that.

I don't want her to think that I'm threatened by this guy, and I don't want to look weak in any way. So how do I slowly reel her in from my standpoint?

Answer
Hello Dennis!

First of all, there's ALWAYS "this other guy". Every girl you're going to meet is going to tell you there's someone else - even if there isn't. The reason for this is that they don't want to look like they're not worthy of a boyfriend, among many other reasons. If you're going to spend your life waiting your turn, you're going to be very lonely.

Now, here's the biggest problem I see with this girl: she's selfish and all about ONLY her wants, her needs and herself in general. She's not willing to invest in anything and wants a relationship in place (in other words, she wants YOU to do all the work and take all the risks so she doesn't have to) before she'll give you anything back? Don't you see what's going on here?

Think about this: she's absolutely using this guy for her own benefit - and to his detriment. She knows exactly what he wants and is letting him give her everything - while she gives him nothing. She wants the attention and entertainment. There's absolutely NO possibility that this guy is "the one" and she damn well knows it. She's trying to set you up to be the next idiot that gives her everything - and gets his teeth kicked in!

Dennis, this is a TOXIC situation! If you actually buy into this, you're going to be writing me in a few months about how to get this RID of this girl, not get her! She's a clueless, unsophisticated, immature, scared idiot - and you're not going to make any of that better!

That "perception" you talked about being wrong? It's not hers at all, (well, maybe, but frankly, who cares?) What's wrong here is YOUR perception. You actually think you want to be with this loser/user? Come on here! You need to pull your head out of your ass and see this for what is.

Dennis, let me tell you how REAL, HEALTHY relationships work: two people meet and find interest in each other. They BOTH begin investing in things with the other. They give of themselves trying to show that they are interested and that they can build something TOGETHER. Things grow because BOTH people make them happen.

This girl wants everything handed to her. Well, more to the point, she wants YOU to hand her everything so she can take it, use you and then throw you away. She's not interested in you for anything other than what you can give her.

Some day, some guy will come along that she DOES want and she'll throw herself at him. She'll do all the things that you're trying to do for her. He'll use her, mistreat her, ignore her - and she'll completely eat it up. Then, he'll dump her completely and she'll continue to try to get him. You'll become an after thought if even that.

Please don't do this to yourself. This girl isn't worth it. Trust me - I see this every single day.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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