Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/2/2009

Question
Hi.

I met a man a week ago today.  He is really sweet and kind, late 40s and a product of a marriage where his exwife cheated on him.

He has expressed that his relationship style is dating long term for meeting a partner that he would like to marry.  Not much on casual dating.   Has had a couple of long term relationships since the break up of his marriage.  Each were on a different page at a different time.   Her wanting to marry when he wasn't ready, him wanting to marry when they weren't.

Now we meet.  On the third day of spending time together (our first official real date) he started talking about our dating exclusively, if we ever get married.., talking about how perfect we seem to be together, talking about my meeting his family, him meeting mine etc.

I was a bit taken aback.  I guess I am accustomed to men that have no real clue what they want, and taking their time to get there.   I think he realized he sort of took me by surprise so he backed down and started talking about getting to know someone a few months and then talking about being exclusive.

This led to great conversation later.   He is very comfortable talking about anything.  and he took the conversation to asking what I wanted in a relationship, what I felt was a good fit for me etc. We talked about his going to the exclusive conversation so quickly, and then backed off.  He said he felt he had scared me so he decided to back away a bit and let things take their course.

He seems to be a great guy.  Very self assured, and very certain of what he wants.  And doesn't seem to mind just simply going for it.

Yet, I have trepidation.  And I am not sure why.  I keep thinking it is because I have only been with men who had no clue what they wanted.  And this one being so straight forward and upfront and just heading straight for it quicly causes me to question the sincerity of it.

I keep trying to convince myself that there is no reason to question it, but the fact that he has very clearly stated what he wants, that he feels he could have it with me and is interested in finding that out in an exclusive manner makes me wait for the shoe to drop when he says he was just kidding, or I find out he was just feeding me all the right lines and wasn't sincere.

Can men fall that quickly for someone, and be that sure of what he wants and move toward it that quickly?  As I said, the only men I have met have taken years and still not warmed up to that point!

Am I worrying with good right, or needlessly?  

Answer
Hello Ronda!

I feel trepidation too; so no, I don't think your concern is "needless".

There's a bunch of red flags in this story. First of all, his claims about dating long-term moving toward marriage doesn't make much sense. I can see that with test-driving a car as he knows he needs transportation. I can even see it with a job since he needs one of those as well.

On the flip side, long-term test-driving of a girlfriend to lead directly to marriage doesn't make much sense. Why marriage? What's the point exactly here. Further, there's no basis for taking the steps he's taken. Your 3rd date seems too soon to be making this choice. Again, what's it based on? Is it based on you as being a great marriage choice or is it based on his goals instead?

I fear it's the latter. He's so focused on being married, the person he's married too doesn't make that much difference as long as she meets some broad, general qualifications.

I'd bet this has something to do with his ex-wife cheating on and leaving him as well. She probably felt more like she was long for the ride than an integral part of the marriage.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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