AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between.
IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them!
Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.
Question QUESTION: Hello. I'm 22 and I've never had a girl friend. I've had sex but only a single one nighter. I'm tired having girls express interest in me only to have them forget about me as soon as i leave their sight. I feel like women lie to me constantly and try to play me for a sucker. Whenever i try to build a rapport with a woman she will usually give me her phone number and then act very flakey, not returning my calls or expressing any interest in me at all. Women will approach me and start a conversation as if they are interested in me. They will give me their phone numbers and never return my calls. I'm very sad and lonely and i just don't get it. I've been told just be yourself and she will either like you or not like you so I've reached the point where I feel like no woman will ever like me for who i am. Either I'm really rough on the eye's or my personality stinks. I feel like I belong in therapy. Women want someone who is fun to be with and intriguing but i feel like i don't have either of those qualaties. Sry to bitch and moan to you over an email but i have no one else to talk to. What should I do to try and fix my problem with women?
ANSWER: Hello Mike!
Welcome to the dating world!
"Just be yourself"? How's that working out for you? Not very well I bet. It's not that there's anything wrong with you at all however.
Here's the reality: you'll hear people tell you all sorts of dumb things simply because they don't have any better answers. This is one of them. It's not that there's anything wrong with you, but you don't want to "just be yourself" - you want to be your "best self". People that give you that ridiculous advice don't know how to tell you this or to field the obvious next question "how?"
Regarding what women want, again this is more "feel good" stuff - and very little substance. Trying to distill what women want down into things like "intrigue" and "fun" are more of those nice sound bites that have very little substance.
Mike, I've spent an entire career researching - and discovering - the answer to this problem. Unfortunately, it's not about a few words, it's more complicated than that. Women want many different things. The good news is that there ARE answers. I'm going to get to those in just a moment.
You need to understand this first: when women give you their numbers, it's because they probably want you to call them. That's obviously a good thing. The first problem comes in how you're dealing with those numbers. What you do is to call these girls up, leave a message and expect them to call you back. They usually won't do that (as you've found.)
Why not?
There's a number of reasons why not. First of all, it's not their job to call you back! It's YOUR job to establish connection with these girls first - and they damn well know it. By leaving your information and expecting a call back, you're actually asking them to do your work for you. Unless you've developed huge rapport and connection up front, they simply won't do it.
Mike, I've actually watched women do this! They get a call from "him" (meaning, the guy they are really interested in.) They see his caller ID come up on their phones and then proceed to let it go to voice mail. When I ask them, "Aren't you going to answer it?" they say, "no way!" Then, I ask them, "Why not?" and they respond with something like, "I don't want him to think I'm waiting here just to take his call!"
So, these dumb guys actually leave messages, expecting a call back (which never comes.) When I ask these same girls, "are you going to call him back?" they again answer "no way!" So, I ask them again, "why not? and they respond, "I don't want to look that desperate!"
Therein lies your problem.
Women are terrified of looking "desperate" in anyone's eyes! Isn't that stupid? Of course it is, but women often don't operate from logic - they operate out of emotion instead. They'll do rude things like this and actually think it makes them look like better catches to us guys. Of course, it doesn't. It simply makes them look like rude bitches! Somehow, women actually think that's better than looking desperate.
Mike, I'm not making this up! There are even so-called "experts" right here on this board that actually TELL women to do this! No shit!
What this means is that you need to build a better game if you actually want to go any further than getting the number. While this isn't complicated there are many aspects to it - things you need to know.
Another thing you need to know is that this isn't about you at all, it's about these girls. You're probably a great guy that any woman would be thrilled to have as their boyfriend. The problem is that you have to be able to express this up-front. You don't do that by "just being yourself" however. You also don't do it by trying to impress women either. These are beginner-mistakes.
You do it by expressing "value" in the way women see value - not as you see it.
Think about this for a minute: let's say that somebody wants to sell you a car. Does he tell you all the things HE likes about the car or does he find out what you want and tell you those things instead? Obviously, he finds out what you want and feeds that to you, right?
This is where you are with women. There's nothing wrong with you at all, it's simply that you don't know how to express your value in the way women want to hear it. The good news is that this isn't tough to do - when you understand how women think.
I strongly encourage you to get educated about this! Go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and take a look at my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". This is exactly what they are written for - to explain to guys (in OUR language) how women think and act. They have real exercises that you can do to actually build this knowledge very quickly.
Mike, there are real answers out there and you don't have to suffer with the same problems over and over again. You just need to change the way you think about some fundamental issues with women. Once you do that, you're also going to change your success in very dramatic ways.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826 http://beingaman.com http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: With respect sir, like the car salesman in you're example, you too are trying to sell me something. How do I know I'm not wasting my time and money by buying you're books?
Answer Hello again Mike!
"Trying" to sell you something? No. I'm "trying" to help you.
How did you know you weren't wasting your time asking me for help in the first place?
What I can't do is to rewrite all the stuff you need from those books right here just for you. Remember: my students don't have trouble meeting women or building relationships. That's because they DO know this stuff. Further, I'm not going to get rich because you buy a couple of books! You don't have to take my word for it - go join out discussion group (free) and ask the people there if the books helped them or not or you can read the reviews or whatever.
Now, here's what I also know: if you do nothing to help yourself, you're going to be in exactly the same place tomorrow you are today, you'll be in exactly the same place next week as you were last week, and you'll be in exactly the same place next year as you were last year.
I have three dates set up for next week, had two this last weekend and a 5 women's numbers staring me in the face that I need to call. The point is, I don't have this problem. You do. Just like everyone else, you are free to do whatever you like. Buy them, read them, learn from them and use them - or don't. It's no skin off my nose in either case. Of course, the books come with a money-back guarantee, but like I said, the choice is entirely yours - just as is your future.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826 http://beingaman.com http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
