AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between.
IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them!
Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 25,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.
I've been seeing a guy for the last few months who has a lot of things going for him - he's very sweet and caring and understanding, patient enough to put up with all my female mood swings/irrationalities, always puts my needs first (but I hate to control him so I rarely say "I want this"), very funny and easy to be with, and I find him quite attractive.
I've started having some misgivings though. I'm 24 and live on my own and I enjoy the independence. He's 23 and lives with his parents, his mum still cooks and cleans and shops for him. He's studying engineering at uni (his 2nd attempt at uni) but isn't enjoying it and is thinking of dropping out. For the last few years he's been working the same job as a filing clerk at the hospital where his mum works (his mum got him that job), because of the flexibiity they can give him around his uni schedule each semester. He's a very homely person, loves to spend his weekends watching sport on TV, playing video games or spending time with me.
I'm starting to wonder whether I should be worried? I don't like the fact that he hates his job but feels no drive to get a better one, and the fact that he feels no urge to move out of home soon. He likes the idea of living with me but I don't want him to at the moment because he can't afford to pay rent. While we are quite similar in that I too have a lazy side to me, have been coddled by my parents growing up, have dropped out of uni, and don't know what I want to do career-wise, at least I am working hard in a full-time job and trying to be as independent as possible. If I don't have enough money I rent out a spare room or look for a 2nd job, rather than lamenting the fact and doing nothing. He also doesn't pay for a lot of things and I'm reluctant to ask him to because I know he will struggle financially - though I know if I asked him to pay, he would. It just feels cruel to do that.
Am I being unreasonable and expecting too much from him at a relatively young age - should I be more patient and wait for him to grow up a little? Or do you think that if I'm not satisfied with this now, I should probably be re-thinking this relationship?
Thank you for your advice.
Joan
Answer Hello Joan!
Romantic relationships don't exist on balance sheets. Business ones do.
Let's say that you met some guy you were really attracted to that had a very high-paying job. Should he think so much less of you because you couldn't afford HIS lifestyle? Let's face it, he'd probably be going to more up-scale parties and events and you'd at least be expected to dress the part. Is it his job to pay for your wardrobe? If you say "yes" then you'd better expect to pay for your boyfriend's stuff too.
I hope that eventually your boyfriend will find his legs and get the sort of career he needs, but if that is a sticking point for you and you can't seem to get past it, you may need to move on. Just remember that story about the successful guy.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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